A Bun in an Unexpected Oven

I'm still a little naive about life.  There are a few situations that I don't imagine I'll ever be in or have to deal with.  Like I don't think I'll ever be arrested.......?  I don't think I'll be stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  I don't think I'll ever have to use the karate moves I learned when I was 10 years old.  Murphy's Law states otherwise, but I do feel as though I'm the exception sometimes.  So in a nutshell, I will perpetually have the mindset of a 16 year old girl who never thinks anything bad, weird, or awkward will ever happen to her and I'll be incredibly unprepared when it does.  Life doesn't come with a handbook, just a lot of crappy, self-help books written by arrogant know-it-alls who think they've somehow figured things out before the rest of us.  Today, however, Dr. Phil couldn't even have prepped me for the news I received.  It felt like a blow to the head, and left me more confused about my feelings than ever before.

I found out today that my ex-husband's current girlfriend is pregnant.  I wasn't expecting him to have children with anyone else ever, or at least not so soon.  Let alone, less than a year since we broke up for the second time after a brief summer romance.  Shocked and unexpected are the words I'd use to describe how I felt when I found out.  I know for sure that I'm no longer in love with him, but I really don't know how to feel about this.  I'm not jealous per se, (I am sooooo done birthing babies.  D-O-N-E), but I'm not happy either.  I can't force myself to congratulate him.  My children's emotions obviously come before my own and they seem to be excited, yet also a little unsure of how they're supposed to feel, too.  My 8 year old was adorably trying to figure out what my relationship with her future brother or sister would be.  Step-mom?  Aunt?   I kindly had to break it to her that this situation has nothing to do with me and I......lied.....and said that I was really excited for her to have a new sibling.  

I was wondering how he would react if this was flip flopped.  Nothing about my situation has changed since we've split.  Everything is as it was when he left.  I'm in the same residence, I'm not in a relationship, and I'm definitely not having a baby.  Everything is the same, right down to the furniture arrangement in my house.  I might be victimizing myself a little here, but......why can't I, for once, have some big news that he has to deal with?  Can't I just win the lottery and meet the man of my dreams and get married and buy a villa in France where I'll take the kids during the summertime and make him figure out how to deal with all of that information at once???  It's not fair.  >insert pout and foot stomp<

Well, as much I don't want to be one sometimes, I am a mature adult.  We're not competing for anything and his life has nothing to do with me anymore.  I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of handling, emotionally speaking.  I have moved on, and let him live his own life in the way he sees fit.  I think it's just difficult when someone you know so well and, at one time lived your life for, hits a major milestone like this, and it doesn't involve you.  The more I sit here and let this news simmer in my mental pot of emotion, the more the negative feelings are slowly fading away.  He wanted to have more children, and I was the one who did not.  This is his second chance, and who am I to judge him or turn this into my "problem"?  All that I should be doing is smiling, wishing them the best, sharing in the excitement with my children, and being thankful that I'm not the one with morning sickness. 

Damn, it feels good to not be pregnant.  And also to be a gangsta.  

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!

This is my second Valentine's Day as a single and free woman.  Although I do miss the traditions my former husband and I had for this day, I'm cool being alone.

Kinda.

Would it be lovely if I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of lilies (my favorite flower, future husband who may be reading my blogs, take note.)?  Absolutely!  Would I feel like the luckiest girl in the world if someone took me out for a fabulous dinner?  Of course!  Eating is my favorite!!  Oh, you bought me diamonds?  Why, thank you!  All of these cliched, yet touching, acts would make anyone feel like a million bucks.  I was feeling a little bummed that none of this will happen to me this year, but then I sat down and really took a good, hard look at myself.  

I often engage in a lot of self-deprecating humor.  I make fun of myself all the time, mostly because I'd like to do it before someone else will.  I make a lot of mistakes.  I'm horribly awkward with people who intimidate me.  I'm a chunky monkey.  My hair is always frizzy, regardless of what I do to it.  I'm not even trying to pick myself apart right now, but it's so easy because I'm full of faults and imperfections.  And I just did it again.  

I've decided to knock it the fuck off.  Why am I so hard on myself?  I know I'm not alone here either, so better yet, why are we all so hard on ourselves?   Life is difficult, man.  Especially when you're not living in an "ideal" situation.  You're single, maybe you're unemployed, or you're a single mom and your ex is a douche, or your family sucks or your cat hates you or you have a really big nose.... Responsibility for our actions and our state of physicality should somewhat be taken into account, however, some things are out of our control and we have to just roll with the punches.  We're not perfect.  We're going to make mistakes.  Lots and lots and lots of mistakes.  We're not all going to look like Victoria's Secret models or pro-athletes or hell, even average looking.  And so what?  

I'll admit it, I've hated on a lot of people for the way they look.  It seems as if some are just asking for it.  Especially, if said person is also an asshole.  Perhaps that person is an asshole because he or she really dislikes who they are.  They're only defense mechanism is to be an asshole to everyone else because they're dissatisfied with themselves.  

My point is, and I'm aware of the cheesyness, focusing on loving ourselves is going to make us happier and less bitter about things like, Valentine's Day for example.  It's not easy, I think we have to make the actual choice to be happy and refuse to let things that would normally piss us off, get to us. For me, sarcasm and snarkyness are like a cozy pair of socks.  I'm so comfortable with being sarcastic, I often don't realize how negative I am.  Like ALL THE TIME.  I'm single, so I could very easily gag at all the pictures of flowers and chocolate I've seen on Facebook so far today.  But these pictures are being posted by people that I know and care about, and they're happy.  They're excited.  When we're excited about something, we want to tell the world, and social media has allowed that to happen.  If it truly bothered me, I wouldn't still have a Facebook page and I'd be a crappy friend for not sharing in the joy with my friends.  I'm not in a relationship right now, but I'm not also not dead.  I'm only 30.  I have time.  And I'm cool with waiting for the right person to have a relationship of value with.  Love is awesome.  

I mean, sometimes, love crushes our souls and makes us resent everything and everyone and we fantasize about running those who have hurt us over with a truck every now and then.  I'm saying.....generally, love is awesome.  And if you've been in love, you know this. 

Today, I'm buying myself flowers. I'm going to an enjoy a special dinner with my little girls whom I love more than anything else in the world, yes, even more than vodka.  Then, I'm going to cook myself the tastiest, juiciest steak with a side of........I don't know yet, but it's going to be fucking delicious.  I already bought myself a present (Perfume!  I'm so sweet.)  I might even make a night of it and give myself a sexy, smoky eye (That's makeup talk, for the few straight gentlemen who read my blog).  I'll stare at myself in the mirror for a solid 5 minutes and admire the qualities I was blessed with.  Then I'll probably finish off the night by watching The Walking Dead and slapping myself on the ass for having such a great day.    

I invite you to also spoil yourself a little if no one else will.  Check out your pretty eyes, or your beautiful hair, or your biceps, or your perfectly placed ears, or evaluate how good of a person you are, or how you're a hit at parties, or the fact that you pay your credit card bills on time, or how well you make your bed or how nice your hands are or well you can make macaroni and cheese out of the box, or how organized your closet is, or how good of a parent you are......pick something positive about yourself and LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

One last thing, I love you, and hope you love you too.  Happy Fucking Valentine's Day, Gorgeous! ;)

 

 

I Got 99 Problems......But That Guy I Was Casually Dating Ain't One.

I believe the last time I felt the need to write, I mentioned that I was dating a guy.  About that.........

Turns out, he's fucking weird.  Maybe that's a little harsh.  I hear from him maybe once every 10 days.  Sometimes a little sooner.  I've given up on him.  I have no idea what he wants, and frankly, I don't have time to figure him out (that's actually a lie. I do have the time to figure him out, but guess what's always on t.v.?  Law and Order: SVU.  And you know I'm not missing that shit to sit around and think about a guy.) After being in touch for three months, we are nowhere near a relationship status change on Facebook.

Truthfully, I have no one to blame but myself.  Well, sort of.  The timing is just awful.  Since November, my schedule has been a little crazypants.  He works regular business hours, and there is absolutely nothing regular about my hours.  And let's throw in the fact that I also have children.  When he has called to get together, I'm working.  So then he'll call me late at night to hang out, and that feels like a booty call, so I decline.  Other than the timing being crappy, I've made things entirely too easy for him.  And by things, I mean myself. 

We hung out the night after Thanksgiving.  I had a ton of leftovers, he somehow ended up without any leftovers.  In a round about way, he asked me to bring some food over, which I did.  Why the fuck did I do that?  Because I'm too goddamn nice and I'm a people pleaser, that's fucking why. 

So I bring the food, he has a foodgasm and then wants to.......you know.  And I'm all, "Let's do this."  Ugh!  So stupid!!  Not only have I fed him delicious food, I've also given him.......vagina.  He's done absolutely nothing to deserve it.  I have not been wooed.  I have not been taken to dinner.  I have not received flowers or a Build-A-Bear. 

Last weekend, I went out with an old friend (bitch got me hammered) and what do you know?  J sends me a texty text and it was actually adorable.  He asked if I had my Christmas decorations up yet.  I do not, I replied.  He offered to come over with dinner and help me decorate.  So cute, right!?  Well, I was at least 3 beers in at that point, and there was really no turning back.  My liquid courage kicked in and I flat out asked him what the fuck we were doing.  I said, and I quote, "Please, if you're not into me enough to actually date me, then let's just cut the crap and call it a day".  He seemed bewildered at my boldness (which most guys are when you call them out on their shit).  He asked if we could just hang out that night and talk and even offered to come and get me from the bar.  I declined.  Mostly because I was with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in years and obviously was not about to ditch her.  I also did not leave because I would then again be dropping everything for him and fuck that.  We didn't really get to end the conversation because my phone died.  So I went home alone.

The next day, I wanted a diner breakfast so badly I was almost willing to go by myself.  Before I got in touch with another old friend I wanted to ask to go with me, I thought maybe I should smooth things over with J first.  I texted him, and he acted like the previous conversation never happened.  I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast with me, he said he was already starting to eat a breakfast he had made himself.  Sigh.  Back to Square 1.  I grabbed breakfast with my buddy instead and had a great time.  Haven't talked to J in five days, but I'll bet any money that he'll text me late on Friday night, wanting to hang out.  I don't plan on answering. 

I Hate Horror Movies So Why Did I Think Dating Would Be Any Better?

Here we go again!

Juuuuuust when I'm about to put a pin in dating for a little bit, I receive a message (online dating, it's an adventure everyday) from a guy who writes something more than "Hi" or "Hey Sexy".  His profile lacked information and he didn't have a picture, yet I was intrigued.  After emailing back and forth, and coming to the realization that he did happen to have a personality and was also pretty cute, we inevitably exchanged phone numbers.  After our first four hour long conversation, I was completely stunned.  He has the exact same sense of humor as I do.  It's almost creepy.  We actually talk the same way when we're joking around.  I know this sounds kind of nuts, but I am kind of nuts.  I'm a complete goofball.  Very rarely do I find someone who can appreciate my level of nerdy goofiness and actually gets it.  Despite the fact that I am blessed with the ability to hold a conversation with pretty much anyone, I often feel very alone.  But before we break out the tissues, let me explain.  Personality wise, I've always felt like an outsider and quite different from most people.  Yes, obviously, no two people are the same.  I seem to have trouble relating with others, especially other women, because I don't take life too seriously and sooooooo many women are wrapped up in some sort of drama or they sweat the small stuff.  That's no way to live.  I digress.

So, I've never met anyone else with a personality so similar to my own, with the exception of my pirate beeches (my lovely friends, Megan and Bridget).  This guy, J, my male counterpart, is also extremely sweet, understanding, and he has shit together.  Let's review:

Job?   Check.  Fourteen years with the same employer.
Not in parents' basement?    Check.  Homeowner.
Values and morals?    Yes.  Check.
Funny?   Almost peed my pants twice.  Check.
Not a serial killer or sociopath?   Double check.

Throughout every conversation we've had, we've taken a few moments to reflect on our similarities.  It usually goes something like, "Oh my god, who ARE you?!  Seriously??  You exist??"  For our first date, we went out for drinks.  Chemistry.  Boom.  Crazy mutual attraction.  The conversation flowed like a river.  And that's all I'm going to say about our first date.  My mother reads this.

After we parted, he called me immediately and we talked the entire way back to my house.  In the days that followed, we established a routine: Text a little during the day, then talk on the phone for at least an hour before turning in for the night.  Why am I analyzing every phone interaction?  Because I have no idea what I'm doing.  I don't know what the rules of dating are now.  I'm in a whole new age bracket, the 30-40 age box.  I'm not even sure what feels right at this point.  I don't want to scare him by accidentally sending one too many text messages or perhaps calling him at the wrong time.  Furthermore, I'm not quite sure what his intentions are with me or if he even knows that yet.  How do you know if someone is really into you for who you are or if he just wants to bone you?  This is the problem I'm having. 

There was a second date, sort of.  We just hung out at his house, which I was initially against.  I don't want to set the standard of just "hanging out".  I really want to DATE.  We don't need to have four course meals, but can we go bowling?  Or go to Rosie's for a Giants game? (We're both Giants fans......swoon!) Or sit on a park bench and make fun of people that walk by us?  Go out for hot dogs? Something?  How do I bring this up without sounding high maintenance and like I want him to take me out?  Even though I kind of do.... We'll shelve this one for now.

After our second "date", I didn't hear from him as much.  I immediately put on the brakes.  Ok so maybe he does just want to hook up with me.  Well I'm not cool with that so I'm going to cease all communication and wait this out.  I was out with my good pal, Jeramy, last Sunday watching the Giants v. Browns game, and naturally, Giants were eating the Browns for dinner.  After a beer or five, I decided one little text to J to comment on the game wouldn't do any harm...  So I send him a text about the game and he responds. We go back and forth for a little bit, and then I stop hearing from him.  So I followed suit and stopped texting him as well.  This guy is wicked good at playing hard to get.  He could teach a class on this shit. 

Four days pass without a peep from J-bird.  I throw in the towel and start exploring other options.  And by options, I mean other single men.  Shockingly, no one as funny or cool as J catches my attention.  Suddenly, I get a text from him after 4 days of nada and he's acting like everything's cool as a cucumber.  I play along, act super casual, then just as before.........he doesn't respond to my last text.  W.T.F.   Foiled again.

Ok, now I am REALLY giving up.  Forget it.  I don't understand.  In every serious relationship I've had, I've never questioned the intentions of guys I've previously dated.  Consistent calls or texts, endless flattery, dinners, small tokens of affection, flowers, basically lots of wooing.  But after having a conversation with my mother, she brought some things to my attention. 

I've never dated anyone who was content with himself or felt that level of confidence that only comes with age and after a few accomplishments.  I seemed to only date guys with bad habits. Illegal bad habits.  And also guys with no goals, no credit, and no high school diploma.  (No judgies.  I didn't learn my lesson until I turned 30.)  Maybe my exes felt they had to work twice as hard to keep me around because they knew I was......perhaps, a little out of their league?  The problem is, I got used to someone worshiping the ground I walk on.  I don't mean that I received Tiffany necklaces for Christmas or flowers every day.  But, generally speaking of course, I was treated like a princess in the early stages of every relationship and I ate it up.   Treated like a princess, until everything spiraled downward and fell apart into a great big giant mess. 

So J calls me today.  When I see his name show up on my caller ID, I don't even know what I'm going to say.  A few things cross my mind, such as, "What is your fucking deal?" and "Ohhh so nice to hear from you. I thought you died." Instead, I begin with a "hello", since this is America and that's typically how we answer the phone.  We end up talking for an hour about everything under the sun, yet again.  I did (in a joking manner) bring up the time lapse since the last time we spoke, and his response was "I don't recall hearing from you either...."  Then I realized, this guy doesn't play games.  I don't have to wait to contact him.  I can do whatever I'm in the mood for, just as long as I'm not in the mood to look like a needy psychopath.  He's secure and content with himself.  He doesn't need to have someone in his life, he wants to have someone in his life.  And he's been single for 4 years, waiting to find someone worthwhile.  He's smarter than a lot of people are these days.  He doesn't rush into things only to regret them later, which is how I've lived my life.

What now?

 Fun.  Just pure, unbridled fun.  No labels, no expectations, no pressure. Whatever the hell happens....happens.  (Wish me luck.  I really like this guy) :)

Would I Like to Check Any Bags? Um... What is the Fee for Four Years Worth?

Ok so I have a job.  It's not the most challenging or stimulating or well paying job, but I get a paycheck every 2 weeks with my name on it and I can finally tell Sprint that I'll pay my bill by the 20th and actually mean it.  Now that I have ungracefully leaped over that hurdle, I feel a little bit better about the mysterious, mystical future.  


Why not try dating again?  Because I so miss that inner turmoil that comes with trusting someone again.  No really, it's my favorite.  

Apparently while I was married, this online dating revolution occurred. Everyone's doing it like the Macarena.  Or marijuana....  Anyways, it's become a quite popular way of meeting people.  And since I really have no other way to meet people, why not?  


Oh, I will tell you why not.  


This is where the freaks of the world unite.  These are my unofficial statistics about online dating:

One out of 10 men is a sexual predator of some sort.  

One out of five men is a douchebag.

One out of three looks like a sewer creature.  

One out of two wants to meet you for coffee in about 15 minutes.  (Can we start with our names first?)

What does this leave me with?  One guy. I know that probably doesn't work out mathematically but I had a permanent D in Math, so please lower your expectations now.  Only ONE guy is none of the above, a hard worker, a homeowner, a football lover, well adjusted, super nice, mature, thinks I'm hilarious, and has beautiful eyes.............. 

A few dates later, great conversations that flowed like water, same values, similar interests, and here I am.  A giddy, scared, happy mess.  I feel like I've had a spring in my step all week.  As excited as I've been, I'm actually terrified.  I had not expected to like someone as much as I do right now.  I was hoping to only kind of like him, and I definitely did not expect to want to introduce him to 488 of my closest friends and my family.  

We've talked about our ghosts of relationships' past and what we've been through.  He has an idea about my trust issues.  I explained that I need lots of reassurance that he's into me in the beginning.  I need to know if I'm wasting my time or if he's worth the investment of my trust.  I miss the security that I had with my ex.  Granted, it was a false sense of security, but when I was naive about it, it was great.  The feeling of just knowing for certain that whomever you're with isn't going anywhere is priceless.  Ignorance is bliss.

Last night, I confessed to this guy that I'm excited/nervous about dating again.  His response was, "Try not to think about your past, let's focus on the future >smiley face<".  To which I responded, "And that was exactly what I needed to hear >big smiley face<".  But now it's 8:24pm.  We had plans to hang out for a little bit tonight, and I haven't heard from him since early afternoon.  I texted once, called once.....no response.  I can't help but presume the worst, which is, he doesn't want to deal with my baggage and he wanted to spare my feelings by applying a thick layer of liquid sugar over everything.  Or he fell asleep.  Or ninjas attacked his house.  Or his phone has been dead for hours and monkeys in tuxedos stole his charger.  Or maybe he's "just not that into me".  

Whatever the case may be, I'm not going to allow myself to dwell on whether he's simply ignoring me or if maybe he really did get attacked by ninjas......  I'm going to go back to my old methods of self-preservation that I practiced before I got married.  They include:

Delete all text messages from dating offender.

Delete dating offender's phone number from your phone. 

Try to completely forget his name.  Or at least his last name.  

Watch The Notebook, and cry it out. 

Although deletion of someone's virtual existence may seem a bit extreme, it's better than leaving the temptation to call or text again wide open and risk looking like a Stage 5 clinger.  If he does happen to call me with a lame excuse, or any excuse for that matter, as to why he ditched me, I can then objectively decide if continuing to date him is worthwhile.  At least 3 times, he said, "I can't believe you're single!  HOW are you single??"  To which I replied, "Because I've been waiting for someone awesome."  The awesome guys are not punctual.  They show up when you least expect them to.  Usually, they're late.  You have to meet a lot of less than awesome people to figure out what's best for you.  And, in my case, he needs to be on fucking time and not keep me waiting all night.  Are you sure you want to delete this contact?  Yup.

Love Is A Many Splendid Clusterfuck of Emotions

It's 1 something am.  Can't sleep again.  This has become routine over the last month or so.  I'm flipping through 200 channels of nothing until I land on Walk The Line.  If you've never seen the movie, you should.  First of all, it's based on a real, live love story between Johnny Cash and June Carter that endured so much difficulty, it's incredible that they remained married until their deaths.  The scene I happened upon was Thanksgiving dinner at Johnny's new house.  June, her children, her parents, Cash's children, and his parents were all together for the first time.  Cash's father was a real asshole and never showed him any love whatsoever during his childhood.  As a result of constant abuse and some bad decisions, Cash battled with an addiction to drugs and alcohol on and off for years as an adult.  During dinner, some words were exchanged between Cash and his father.  June finally understands the deep-seated depression and guilt Cash has suffered from his whole life and the reason behind his drug abuse.  She then puts her life on hold to stay by his side and take care of him as he detoxes from his addictions.  In my opinion, it's the best part of the entire movie.  That's love.  True, honest to goodness love.

So naturally, I start bawling like an infant.  

The day my ex and I went to divorce court, we decided to get back together.  You read that correctly. Yes, we're batshit crazy. What were we thinking, blah blah blah.  Well, for the record, we weren't.  We finally had the conversation that I had been waiting for us to have for a long time.  The conversation that would shed some light on what really went wrong in our marriage.  The VH1 Behind The Music, E! True Hollywood Story account of what happened between us. The acceptance of each other's faults, the apologies for the mistakes we made, and the realization that deep down, there may have still been some love left in our hearts.  We sat on a bench in the middle of a bustling downtown square, held each other, and cried it out.  He smoothed my hair, kissed my cheek, and I became putty in his hands all over again.  All kinds of warning signs, red flags, and foghorns were trying to keep me from making yet another stupid mistake, but I just kept driving down this crazy, winding road of bliss and confusion.  Before we parted that day, we concluded that we should try to actually date and get to know each other all over again, something that we should have done 4 years ago.  For the two months that followed, there were lunches and coffee dates, flirting and smiling and jellowy leg feelings.  That fiery passion, that electricity we had felt from the moment we were in the same room with each other, remained.  He seemed so much more mature, and I really felt as though he and I had both come out of our divorce as better people.  Everything was wonderful for about 2 and 1/2 months (standard honeymoon phase time frame).  A few things happened that brought me back to reality.  It became apparent to me that he hadn't changed much at all in certain ways.  He is who he is, and no amount of time will change him into the person I want him to be.  I subconsciously became withdrawn, I communicated with him less, lost that burning desire to be next to him, but I was too much of a coward and harbored too much guilt about those feelings to come right out and tell him what was on my mind.  I also had, and still do have, so much I need to take care of on my own, just little things like getting a job and trying to plan out the rest of my life.  

His work schedule became quite hectic around the same time I began to change my mind about our future together.  Communication diminished even more, and it got to a point where we didn't talk at all for a week.  No plans were made to spend time together as a family or even with just him and the kids.  I finally broke the silence and got the impression he had moved on from me.  Not necessarily with another woman, but just moved on from our relationship without there being a discussion about it.  In a way, I suppose I had, too.  Now we're back to where we were 6 months ago:  Him spending weekends with one or both kids and me trying to get over this relationship again.  Even though I'm certain we're not right for each other, there's still a lingering ache that I don't know how to subdue.  The way things have ended so suddenly, twice now, keeps messing with my head.  Have we just been in lust this whole time?  I was so sure that I truly loved him and that the feeling was basically mutual.  Is this how it happens?  Does love begin and end like a blow to the head?  It's hard for me to come to terms with the notion that he never really loved me at all, that maybe he just loved my sense of humor or my other quirky personality traits, and didn't love all of who I am.  When we were married and together, I know with all of my heart that I loved him for who he was.  This time around, I think I got caught up in a whirlwind of lust and a selfish need to feel like I meant something to someone again.  It's not my place to say or even hypothesize what he was thinking when he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him the day we left divorce court.  All I know is, we've never fought to be with each other.  When one of us becomes distant, the other doesn't fight to become closer.  There's just this mutual acceptance of the situation.  

 I take full responsibility for my mistakes, but this is how I learn:  Royally fucking something up, feeling devastated, hating myself, watching old movies, and eating ice cream.  Then I'm all better a few days later.  One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll break the self-pity cycle.  In the meantime, I have officially sworn off dating until I totally have a grip on what I'm doing with the rest of my life.  When I say dating, I mean all aspects of dating.  Nothing physical or emotional or a combination of both.  No more self destructive behavior, no more crying over something that was obviously never meant to be in the first place, no more ice cre-.........well, let's not push it.  After a full year of this relationship being in an odd form of limbo, it's over for good.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  Never again.  Fat lady sang, Randy Jackson said "Hey yo, that was dope, dog!"  The end.  Fin.

Now, where did I leave my confidence.....  I think it's somewhere near the happiness, but I can't find that either.  Then again, it's always in the last place you looked. 

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."  Anais Nin

Reminder: You're Not Out of the Woods Just Yet

It's been awhile since I've written, mostly due to not having much inspiration.  Lots of stuff has happened since....January....but many of the "incidents" have been isolated.  More at 11.  

As most of us know, there are several stages of grief in reference to death of a loved one.   Maybe I'm just a naturally born rebel, but I didn't necessarily flow through tiered "stages" (I LOVE quotation marks.  I also may have ADD.  More at 11.).  I was just sad.  Maybe a little angry, but mostly sad.  I miss him so much it hurts.  However, he was fighting a war against his own body which there was no chance of winning.  I've accepted that he's finally at peace and I know he's always with me.  


His presence is justified when super coincidental things happen.   Like a few weeks ago, I was thinking about my dad while I was driving and I started to tear up a little bit.  I had the radio on, and the timeless classic, "E.I." by Nelly started playing.  Let me tell you a little something about Freddy Crittela:  He thought that rapping was hilarious.  As soon as he learned like 3 lines to any rap song, he would repeat them over and over, while bopping his head to a rhythm not found in any musical selection.  This song in particular, was one of his favorites.  His "go to" line was, "I'm a sucker for corn rows and manicured toes.  Fendi capri pants and Parasucos (<---my dad would actually say, "parachute clothes".  Wtf are parachute clothes??)".   Then he would "dance" until the chorus.  "Andele, andele, mami.  E I E I, uh ohhhhhhhh.  What's poppin' tonight?".   He would have this huge, proud grin on his face like, "Yeah, that's right.  I can relate to black people."  When he would perform this masterpiece while working in the kitchen, the black guys hew worked with would (thankfully) crack up.  Anyway, when the song came on that day in the car, I immediately started laughing.  So then I had the crying/laughing look on my face which I'm sure the other people at the stop light thought was incredibly attractive. 


I'm totally sidetracking from what I wanted to write about originally.  This is MY blog though, right?  I can do what I want.  I'll make this flow....somehow.  

One of the coolest (and most painful) things about life is that there's always something there to remind us.
 
It's ok, I just did the "Ba da da da da" sound in my head, too.

In terms of broken relationships, little reminders of the past pop up unexpectedly at any given time and can completely throw us out of whack. 

What the fuck, you know here I am, doing ok, got my career a flowin', kids are good, family's good, then POW!!!!  And all I did was open my internet browser.  Yahoo! is my homepage, although it very well could be replaced soon, and I occasionally peruse through some of the featured articles, which are usually ridiculous.  On this particular day, I came across one article entitled, "When It's Just Another Fight, and When It's Over", taken from The Wall Street Journal.  I thought to myself, "That's a respectable periodical.  Let's see if I really knew when my marriage was over. Haha."  


Well a few minutes later, there was no more "haha".  I was full out sobbing.  If you'd like to read it, here's the link:  http://finance.yahoo.com/news/just-another-fight-over-040100241.html

The gist of the article is basically asking the reader to seriously consider if divorce is really the only option.  It encourages trying counseling first and takes you along the journey of one couple who divorced suddenly but later on in life ended up working together and still do to this day.  They even wrote a book together.  

I can't pinpoint what the trigger was that made me upset.  Maybe we should have done something else?  Should we have tried counseling?  Would we both have showed up to go to counseling?  I went from feeling confident and happy to feeling like I didn't have the answers anymore.  I feel like I still don't have closure on exactly why he strayed, or why he begged to stay when I told him to leave or how we went from being totally crazy about each other to sleeping in separate places over the course of three years.


Then, every little thing reminded me of him and our relationship.  In one day, no joke, I heard the song we walked down the aisle to (I'm Yours by Jason Mraz), the song we had our first dance to (Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones) and Story of My Life by Social Distortion, a song from the Social D playlist we listened to while we cleaned our old apartment.  Three very different songs, all heard in various places.  Grocery store, Michael's, and satellite radio, to be specific.  It doesn't stop with just music either.  This is going to sound so ridick and it's a total stretch, but even when I see lobsters at the grocery store, I think of my 26th birthday, when he made me this amazing seafood dinner with all my favorite delicious undersea creatures.  


He introduced me to things I otherwise would not have cared about.  Irish music, for example, I probably never would have given a chance, but he had me listening to The Pogues, Flogging Molly and The Dropkick Murphys, all of whom I now love.  Sriracha, the greatest hot sauce EVER, would not be a permanent staple in my fridge had he never put it on my eggs.  I miss the look on his face when I would cook something that came out really well.  I miss our chemistry.  I miss the way we laughed together.  I miss the way he would look at me before he kissed me.  

Does it ever get any easier?  Or maybe it was meant to be all along and life just got in the way?  There's no instruction manual to refer to, so how the hell are we supposed to know what we're doing?   

All of life's questions are answered in songs from the 80's.