Happy New Year! :) This post is dedicated to Alicia, Megan, and Bridget <3
"Burned out" is the only way I can describe how I felt during the first half of 2011. Spinning my wheels, going nowhere. Stuck, metaphorically, in a snow bank at the end of my driveway in the dead of winter after my AAA membership expired. I was tired of feeling trapped and confused and depressed. I was capable of so much more because deep down, I knew I was smart. Too smart, actually, to put up with the bullshit that I had dealt with. I may have even been a little talented in something, although I wasn't sure what it was yet. I mean, I knew I was talented in choosing the wrong men to invest a relationship in, but there doesn't seem to be any money in that.
On May 25th (my 29th birthday), I finally did something for myself that would enrich my life and also kick start my career.
I enrolled in beauty school.
Well, more specifically, esthetician school. A few years back, I realized how much I loved make-up and thought it would be super fun to make a career out of it. Unfortunately, in order to receive the respect as a make-up artist, you need a license to fall back on for credibility's sake. When I got to school though, I really became interested in the physiology of skin. Skin is cool! (Stop going tanning!) Science never excited me before, and I surprised myself. Now that I'm almost done with school, I feel as though I can pursue any avenue that my future license will cover and be completely content. So that's......something.
The only support that I received when I registered for school though, was from my mother and close friends. The husband didn't seem to care, which I had grown accustomed to at that point. We separated in July. The details to our separation are quite complicated, so I'm not going to share them. We disagree about how things went down, and that's fine. We disagreed on several things, so this isn't new territory for either of us. When we split, there was still an inkling of hope within both of us that we would somehow work things out, that we would make a fresh start, and keep the family together. Sadly, the fact of the matter is, we're too different. He has an entirely different outlook on life than I do, and I can't be with someone who isn't on the same page as me.
After we separated, we still texted occasionally but it was apparent that he was doing his own thing, so I decided to keep doing mine. The best thing I ever could have done last summer was reconnect with old friends. I've literally been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to put into words what they've done for me. And that's just it, I can't. Well, maybe I can.
WARNING: Things are about to get sappy.
I've never truly felt like I belonged with groups of friends that I've had. Ok, I'm just going to say it......... I'm a little weird. I have a really sick, sarcastic, dry, but sometimes goofy sense of humor that not a lot of people understand. And I love Broadway musicals. My friends GET me. I can totally be myself and not worry about what they're going to say about me behind my back, because they will say it to my face instead. We respect each other, we support each other, and most of all, we come bearing wine and tasty snacks when one of us feels shitty. We raise each other up, instead of bring each other down, like most girlfriends secretly do when they're jealous (I think that's what "frenemies" are). I don't know if they'll ever realize what they've done for me, but they basically brought me back to life. I just hope that I get the opportunity to do the same for them someday. Put the tissues down.
Fabulous friendships aside, I was still nursing a broken heart. I missed the good parts of our marriage and the spark I felt when he sneaked up behind me to give me a hug. But I don't think I'm alone when I say that when you're married to the same person, attention from someone other than your spouse is taken to heart. That was my case, anyway. I felt so badly about myself. I wasn't sure if I was still attractive and, because my husband had emotionally strayed, I wasn't even sure if my personality was going to get me anywhere.
But I put myself out there..........waaaaaay out there. In retrospect, it was premature. I went out to the bar with my friends, and I shamelessly flirted and hooked up with guys. In a more classy and respectful way of saying it, my parents would not have been proud of me if they were privy to all of my........shenanigans. But I felt empowered and completely free. I still had game, even after a dramatic weight gain and emotional starvation. Although, I was 2 cocktails away from putting my phone number on a bathroom wall.
Feelings of emptiness began creeping in sooner than I expected. Even though I thought I had all the control and that I was using attention from men to make me feel better about myself, I still felt used. I actually wanted someone to say to me, "I just really dig your personality." I know! Pathetic, right?! What a crappy place to be in, emotionally. I was a mess. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was disgusted. I seriously needed a haircut. And a makeover.....of my soul.
Not to mention the fact, I was still legally married.
