New Year's, 2010. I'm hoping to put this awful year behind me and I have high hopes that 2011 will be nothing short of spectacular!!!
Nope!
Just like a venereal disease, sometimes your situation gets worse before it gets better.
In January, Josh realizes that he's wasted quite a bit of time playing with "Homewrecker" and also, actual homewreckers. He makes the brave decision to start exercising and trying to lose the weight he's gained since we've been married (it happens to the best of us). He orders Power 90, a bunch of protein powder and gets to it. Practically the same week he makes this change, my dad has heart complications and slips into a coma. My whole world came crashing down.
My dad cheated death multiple times, for some reason though, I had a bad feeling that he wasn't going to win this round. He was in a hospital in Rochester and I was constantly driving back and forth to see him in case he woke up. When he finally did, he just wasn't the same. The whole month of February was like being in limbo. Everyone waited, praying that he would improve.
Josh continued his workout regimen. He was doing really well, and dropping weight quickly. I wanted to be happy for him, but I had mentally checked out from reality. Classic case of bad, no good, horrible timing on every level. I was literally just going through the motions of each day, unsure of what the future held.
I couldn't be Josh's cheerleader anymore. I was worn out and tired of giving all of myself to him and not receiving anything in return. I wasn't deliberately ignoring him, but obviously, I was preoccupied and concerned about my father's well being. He was preoccupied on improving himself. I can't blame him, this was a huge step for him. Why should he stop? It wouldn't have changed how my dad was doing. In order to make himself accountable, he religiously posted on Facebook about his workouts, what he ate, how he felt, etc. I noticed that his sister's best friend was putting in her two cents on his status updates quite a bit. I found it a little odd that she was all of sudden writing all over his "wall". It didn't really bother me, he had known her for a long time and I figured she was just being nice.
My best friend, Alicia, offered to come visit me from New York City. I must have sounded pretty messed up on the phone. She stayed at my house, helped out with the kids, and basically just gave me another reason to love her unconditionally. Josh and I had fallen back into old habits. No communication, no connection, completely out of sync. Just as before, I had an inkling that there was something else going on. A woman's intuition is the most annoying, yet blessed thing. I wish I was stupid....er.
Josh's phone was always MIA. He kept it very well hidden from me. But he couldn't hide his computer. So I went snooping again when he wasn't around. This time, I checked his emails. Lo and behold, guess what I found? Emails between him and his sister's BFF. In her defense, Josh seemed to be the aggressor. He was mostly flirting, telling her that she was beautiful, amongst other things, and asked her if she wanted to meet up for drinks sometime after he got out of work.
Mother. Fucker. Why was I so naive? I'll tell you why. Because I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to believe that he loved me as much as I had loved him. I meant what I said when we got married. For better or for worse, yo. Even if it.......kept.......getting worse....
I decided this time to go about confronting him a little differently. Maybe it was kind of malicious, but I wanted to hit him with my knowledge of what he'd been up to in a surprising way.
It was a Sunday. It had, surprisingly, been a pretty good day. Josh was in a great mood. We did something with the kids, I can't remember what it was, but I know that we all had fun. That night, he put in his workout dvd, and he asked me to work out with him. Oh really? You want to hang out with me now?, I thought. But instead, I said, "Sure, why not?" So we worked out together, giggled a little bit because we kept bumping in to each other, and we actually had a lot of fun. I kept thinking how, after such a perfect day, it would be soooo fucked up for me to tell him that I read his emails. What do I have to lose at this point? I've got his balls in my back pocket. All I have to do is sit down. I want him to feel as shitty as I've felt the last few months.
After we worked out, drank some protein shakes, and chatted about how good we felt, I laid it on him. "I read the emails between you and Kim." Again, the look of shock that I know so well. This time, I'm not sure if it's because I just ruined the whole day or because I caught him again. "Seriously, Josh, why? Why are you doing this to me? Have I been that horrible of a wife to you?" I demanded. I'll be honest, I can't remember what his response was. Again, I told him to start packing his shit and figure out some living arrangements. He, again, tells me he wants to stay, that he loves me, and me only. Kim happened to also make the decision to work out around the same time that he did, which is how they started talking. Eventually, as my attention shifted towards my father, he needed some attention and was readily getting it from Kim.
I don't have the strength to fight anymore. Kicking out your husband while your father is dying is probably not the best laid plan, I told myself.
I told him that if he really wanted to stay, he needed to email her, tell her that he made a HUGE mistake (the word huge had to be in capital letters) and that he was not going to email her anymore. I also made him show me the email he sent. She sent one back apologizing for any pain she may have caused. Whatever.
I felt like I was in control. Finally. I had stood by, helpless, for too long. I also made the conscious decision to start working out as well. Working out with Josh was really motivating. He was an animal. We got up early, worked out together, had a protein shake with a side of coffee, showered, and then I went to work. He worked nights, so while he was gone, I did a nighttime workout on my own. We were back on track. All of a sudden, it was like we were newlyweds again. Thank you, endorphins. Our relationship did a 180. We were so happy.......like all the time. Even my 6 year old was like, "Are you guys...okay?" I lost almost 20 lbs in less than a month and I had visible biceps! I dropped a pant size and my energy was through the roof. Turns out, working out is all it's cracked up to be.
But all good things must come to an end, right?
Meanwhile in Rochester, my dad's condition was not improving, it was getting worse. Time stopped when a nurse practitioner asked me, "What are your dad's wishes?" I knew she wasn't talking about how he wished to own another restaurant. I felt like I was too young for someone to ask me that question. See, my dad and I lost a lot of time with each other. As a restaurant owner and the primary chef, he was always at work and not at home. Most of my childhood, I didn't really know my dad. It was only as an adult, that we started to gain some of that time back.
I knew what my dad's wishes were. He didn't want anyone to make a fuss over him. He told me several times that he didn't want to stay on life support. I just didn't think this decision would have to be made so soon. And it literally did. I think my family and I had only a few days to think about it. We knew what we had to do though. It was time to let him go, and not let him suffer any more.
My dad past away on March 3rd, 2011 at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester. Josh was amazing. He held me through the whole process and didn't leave my side. Alicia came up from New York City and again, helped me with everything she could. My family and I received an outpouring of love and support from friends and the community.
And the Italians of Syracuse did their part and sent the food. That's what my people do. Bad break up? Have some lasagna. Someone died? Have some meatballs and sauce. Sick? Have some pasta fazool. To Italians, there's a meal suited for every possible situation, good or bad.
Naturally, with all the food and the crying, one forgets to work out. Just as quickly as Josh and I had hopped on the wagon, when my father died, we got back off. Oh and, to top it all off, about a week later, Josh lost his job. Wasn't that sweet? Back to Square 1.
What's next? Locusts? The Black Plague? Only time will tell.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The Tofu and Hummus: You're welcome, Vegans.
Now here's where shit gets interesting. Hold on to your underwear.
I'm a hot mess. I'm frazzled. My hair and skin look like absolute shit. I'm living off of the Dunkin Donuts menu. Suddenly I realize this feeling is all too familiar.................I feel like a single mother again, the only difference is that I now have two kids instead of one and I'm....um.....married.
A while back when Josh and I first moved in together, he received a sample cd in the mail for a free trial of a game called World of Warcraft. Perhaps you've heard of it? It's the game that ruins lives and relationships? So Josh installs it on his laptop and doesn't leave his laptop except to eat and go to the bathroom. For those that have no idea what I'm talking about, this game is highly addictive. You create your own character and basically fight your way through different levels, purchasing "gear" that helps you achieve these levels faster. You're online with other players and have the ability to chat with other people, form guilds, and have battles. The types of people that play these games, aka "gamers", are the kinds of people that Josh used to make fun of, which is why I was surprised he took such an interest in it.
When the free trial ended, he kind of let it go because he didn't want to pay the monthly fee to continue. However, he eventually discovered similar games to WoW that are free to play.
Around April 2010, Josh downloaded Shaiya, or as I call it, "Homewrecker". At this point he wasn't playing it as much as he eventually would, but he was constantly online searching for better and newer products to import from China and sell here. At this point, I was hoping a nice Chinese man would just tell him to get off the computer and hang out with his family or find a real job or get a hobby.
I hadn't done anything with my friends in ages. Since I was the only one bringing home a regular paycheck, there was no extra money. My friends and my social life were, at one point, very important to me. I used to be Jen "Let's Do A Shot!" Crittela. I didn't even know who I was anymore. What's even worse is watching everyone else with their seemingly perfect lives on Facebook going on vacations, wine tours, going to concerts, having house parties and playing beer pong. I couldn't even remember the last time I played beer pong! Maybe it was because I was playing beer pong....... Needless to say, reading my friends' statuses and looking at their pictures was making me miserable. That's not how it should be.
In August, Josh and I were both in one wedding, were invited to another, and had our own anniversary to celebrate. We had already been to two weddings earlier in the year and Josh made it very clear that he was over going to weddings. Yeah, ok, I get it. Most guys would rather watch The Notebook than get dressed up, sit with a bunch of people they don't know, and dance with their date. But we get free food! And there's usually alcohol! And sometimes, even that's free!! He survived the weddings. He wasn't happy, but he survived. I regretted taking him to my dear friends', Bill and Krista's, wedding because he was sooooo miserable the entire time. Actually, I didn't even see him for most of it because he found other people to hang out with. Le sigh.
Our second anniversary was less amazing than our first. We went out for sushi again. I was pumped because we had not gone on a date in FOREVER. I was dying for some one on one time, sans children and computers, and desperate for us to reconnect. After we ordered our food, Josh began talking about Shaiya. The amount of time he had spent playing the game had increased quite a bit over the last few months. I don't remember being able to get a word in edgewise during the conversation. He talked about the game throughout dinner. I would have interrupted and asked him if we could talk about something else, but I didn't know what else we would have talked about. Instead, I pretended to be interested and let him carry on. I remember wanting to stab myself in my eye with my chopstick just so he'd ask me if I was okay.
The lack of communication between us worsened. He was more and more agitated by the children and I had given up on caring about how I or the house looked. I was barely keeping it together. A few times I tried to tell him that he was spending too much time playing the game, and that I wished he would, at the very least, watch a movie with me and the kids. He did a few times, but he was visibly annoyed and immediately went back to playing the game when the kids went to bed. Even though the office was right off the living room and I could see him from the couch, it felt like he was on the other side of the world. I tried to get his attention by randomly coming up behind him and hugging him or kissing his neck but he just placed his hand on my arm and patted it. I'd say, "I love you and I miss you" and he would say, "I love you too, why do you miss me? I'm right here." But he wasn't, he was playing with the Homewrecker. He might as well have been in Middle Earth or whatever dimension he was supposed to be in.
I know. Wah, wah, wah. Stay with me, peeps.
I really thought that if he was working, Josh would spend a lot less time playing the game. So I took the initiative and started job searching for him. I found out that a restaurant downtown was looking for a line cook, and he applied and got the job. Yay!
Nay! He wanted to play the game even more! At this point, our relationship is rockier than Balboa. Thanksgiving rolls around, we travel downstate to my mom's, and it's awkward. He doesn't want to go, but doesn't really have another option. So, as you can imagine, the whole trip was suuuuuper fun.
After the holiday, on the way back home, Josh tells me that he wants to get away for a week. I'm thinking, Get away from what??? What is it that you need to get away from??? He tells me that he connected with a group of friends from culinary school in Florida through playing Homewrecker. They moved to Iowa and started a catering business and he wants to go visit them. I was at a loss for words. Um, excuse me, but if anyone needed a vacation and an opportunity to reconnect with friends, it was ME!!!! Of course, I wasn't about to fight with him on a road trip so I didn't really say anything.
------Get ready because shit's about to hit the fan-------
I started noticing that Josh is texting quite a bit and doing weird stuff, like bringing his phone into the bathroom with him. He's also staying up late and not coming to bed with me. Not sleeping in the same bed with your spouse, bf/gf, dog, cat, whatever, creates a lot of distance between you. There's something comforting about being that close to someone and listening to them snore. Anyways, my intuition kicked in and I started to think that something's up. My memory is not the greatest. I don't remember if I asked him flat out at this point if he was cheating on me. If I didn't, I should have. Up until this point, I had no reason not to trust him completely. I never went through his phone, emails, or Facebook messages. It just wasn't necessary. But now, I felt as though it was necessary.
One morning, I woke up early. Josh was still asleep, on the couch, with his phone laying next to him on the floor. Shaking, I picked it up and went to his text messages. Sure enough, the evidence was in front of me. The first thing I read was "I love you", but it wasn't meant for me. It was meant for someone else whose number was from a different area code.
In that second, I felt my heart break. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. My legs morphed into jell-o and my eyes welled up with tears. Then I remembered something Josh had told me shortly after we got together. "If you ever cheat on me, I will not hesitate to leave you. I love you so much that I don't think I could handle it if you cheated on me," he had said. I was like, "Ok, geez! I would never do that to you." I thought it was kind of weird that he said that in a threatening type way, but he had also told me that every girlfriend before me had cheated on him, so I excused it as him just being scared about getting hurt.
And here I was, reading about how he loved someone else. I continued reading. Blah blah blah, you're amazing, blah blah blah, never thought I'd find someone like you. Then, I read a message from the girl that said, "I'm painting Zoe's room right now." Oh hell motherfucking no. I went through his pictures and found a few of a naked girl, duckfaced, with her arm extended and with her phone in hand to take a picture with.
I woke him up immediately and confronted him with what I had read. He just looked at me with shock and bewilderment. "SAY SOMETHING!" I yelled. He explained that this girl was actually an ex-girlfriend from culinary school who had moved to Iowa with his other friends (remember that trip he wanted to take??). I wish I could remember everything I said to him. I do recall telling him to leave. He apologized over and over again and talked me into letting him stay. He told me that he had been stuck in this fantasy world for months and although it wasn't a good enough excuse, his feelings for this girl weren't actually real. Even though there was no physical contact between them, I considered it cheating. Especially, because he was so bold as to tell someone else that he loved them.
It almost would have been better if he had just slept with someone and there was no emotional exchange of words involved. I beat myself up, wondering what I had done wrong, what made him look for an emotional connection with someone else who lived 12 hours away, when I was in the next room. I may not be Heidi Klum, but I'm certainly NOT an asshole. As if I needed more to be self-conscious about, I felt like this was my fault. Maybe I should not wear the same t-shirt all weekend? Or maybe I should just walk around naked after the kids go to bed? Or not leave the house without make-up? I felt lost and alone and like no one could relate or understand what I was going through. Instantly, everyone thought of him as an asshole. But I didn't marry an asshole. I married someone who loved the shit out of me. Who told me I was beautiful even when my hair was frizzy and I had crusted drool on my chin. Who couldn't wait to spend his life with me. Who laughed at my stupid jokes.
What the hell happened?
I'm a hot mess. I'm frazzled. My hair and skin look like absolute shit. I'm living off of the Dunkin Donuts menu. Suddenly I realize this feeling is all too familiar.................I feel like a single mother again, the only difference is that I now have two kids instead of one and I'm....um.....married.
A while back when Josh and I first moved in together, he received a sample cd in the mail for a free trial of a game called World of Warcraft. Perhaps you've heard of it? It's the game that ruins lives and relationships? So Josh installs it on his laptop and doesn't leave his laptop except to eat and go to the bathroom. For those that have no idea what I'm talking about, this game is highly addictive. You create your own character and basically fight your way through different levels, purchasing "gear" that helps you achieve these levels faster. You're online with other players and have the ability to chat with other people, form guilds, and have battles. The types of people that play these games, aka "gamers", are the kinds of people that Josh used to make fun of, which is why I was surprised he took such an interest in it.
When the free trial ended, he kind of let it go because he didn't want to pay the monthly fee to continue. However, he eventually discovered similar games to WoW that are free to play.
Around April 2010, Josh downloaded Shaiya, or as I call it, "Homewrecker". At this point he wasn't playing it as much as he eventually would, but he was constantly online searching for better and newer products to import from China and sell here. At this point, I was hoping a nice Chinese man would just tell him to get off the computer and hang out with his family or find a real job or get a hobby.
I hadn't done anything with my friends in ages. Since I was the only one bringing home a regular paycheck, there was no extra money. My friends and my social life were, at one point, very important to me. I used to be Jen "Let's Do A Shot!" Crittela. I didn't even know who I was anymore. What's even worse is watching everyone else with their seemingly perfect lives on Facebook going on vacations, wine tours, going to concerts, having house parties and playing beer pong. I couldn't even remember the last time I played beer pong! Maybe it was because I was playing beer pong....... Needless to say, reading my friends' statuses and looking at their pictures was making me miserable. That's not how it should be.
In August, Josh and I were both in one wedding, were invited to another, and had our own anniversary to celebrate. We had already been to two weddings earlier in the year and Josh made it very clear that he was over going to weddings. Yeah, ok, I get it. Most guys would rather watch The Notebook than get dressed up, sit with a bunch of people they don't know, and dance with their date. But we get free food! And there's usually alcohol! And sometimes, even that's free!! He survived the weddings. He wasn't happy, but he survived. I regretted taking him to my dear friends', Bill and Krista's, wedding because he was sooooo miserable the entire time. Actually, I didn't even see him for most of it because he found other people to hang out with. Le sigh.
Our second anniversary was less amazing than our first. We went out for sushi again. I was pumped because we had not gone on a date in FOREVER. I was dying for some one on one time, sans children and computers, and desperate for us to reconnect. After we ordered our food, Josh began talking about Shaiya. The amount of time he had spent playing the game had increased quite a bit over the last few months. I don't remember being able to get a word in edgewise during the conversation. He talked about the game throughout dinner. I would have interrupted and asked him if we could talk about something else, but I didn't know what else we would have talked about. Instead, I pretended to be interested and let him carry on. I remember wanting to stab myself in my eye with my chopstick just so he'd ask me if I was okay.
The lack of communication between us worsened. He was more and more agitated by the children and I had given up on caring about how I or the house looked. I was barely keeping it together. A few times I tried to tell him that he was spending too much time playing the game, and that I wished he would, at the very least, watch a movie with me and the kids. He did a few times, but he was visibly annoyed and immediately went back to playing the game when the kids went to bed. Even though the office was right off the living room and I could see him from the couch, it felt like he was on the other side of the world. I tried to get his attention by randomly coming up behind him and hugging him or kissing his neck but he just placed his hand on my arm and patted it. I'd say, "I love you and I miss you" and he would say, "I love you too, why do you miss me? I'm right here." But he wasn't, he was playing with the Homewrecker. He might as well have been in Middle Earth or whatever dimension he was supposed to be in.
I know. Wah, wah, wah. Stay with me, peeps.
I really thought that if he was working, Josh would spend a lot less time playing the game. So I took the initiative and started job searching for him. I found out that a restaurant downtown was looking for a line cook, and he applied and got the job. Yay!
Nay! He wanted to play the game even more! At this point, our relationship is rockier than Balboa. Thanksgiving rolls around, we travel downstate to my mom's, and it's awkward. He doesn't want to go, but doesn't really have another option. So, as you can imagine, the whole trip was suuuuuper fun.
After the holiday, on the way back home, Josh tells me that he wants to get away for a week. I'm thinking, Get away from what??? What is it that you need to get away from??? He tells me that he connected with a group of friends from culinary school in Florida through playing Homewrecker. They moved to Iowa and started a catering business and he wants to go visit them. I was at a loss for words. Um, excuse me, but if anyone needed a vacation and an opportunity to reconnect with friends, it was ME!!!! Of course, I wasn't about to fight with him on a road trip so I didn't really say anything.
------Get ready because shit's about to hit the fan-------
I started noticing that Josh is texting quite a bit and doing weird stuff, like bringing his phone into the bathroom with him. He's also staying up late and not coming to bed with me. Not sleeping in the same bed with your spouse, bf/gf, dog, cat, whatever, creates a lot of distance between you. There's something comforting about being that close to someone and listening to them snore. Anyways, my intuition kicked in and I started to think that something's up. My memory is not the greatest. I don't remember if I asked him flat out at this point if he was cheating on me. If I didn't, I should have. Up until this point, I had no reason not to trust him completely. I never went through his phone, emails, or Facebook messages. It just wasn't necessary. But now, I felt as though it was necessary.
One morning, I woke up early. Josh was still asleep, on the couch, with his phone laying next to him on the floor. Shaking, I picked it up and went to his text messages. Sure enough, the evidence was in front of me. The first thing I read was "I love you", but it wasn't meant for me. It was meant for someone else whose number was from a different area code.
In that second, I felt my heart break. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. My legs morphed into jell-o and my eyes welled up with tears. Then I remembered something Josh had told me shortly after we got together. "If you ever cheat on me, I will not hesitate to leave you. I love you so much that I don't think I could handle it if you cheated on me," he had said. I was like, "Ok, geez! I would never do that to you." I thought it was kind of weird that he said that in a threatening type way, but he had also told me that every girlfriend before me had cheated on him, so I excused it as him just being scared about getting hurt.
And here I was, reading about how he loved someone else. I continued reading. Blah blah blah, you're amazing, blah blah blah, never thought I'd find someone like you. Then, I read a message from the girl that said, "I'm painting Zoe's room right now." Oh hell motherfucking no. I went through his pictures and found a few of a naked girl, duckfaced, with her arm extended and with her phone in hand to take a picture with.
I woke him up immediately and confronted him with what I had read. He just looked at me with shock and bewilderment. "SAY SOMETHING!" I yelled. He explained that this girl was actually an ex-girlfriend from culinary school who had moved to Iowa with his other friends (remember that trip he wanted to take??). I wish I could remember everything I said to him. I do recall telling him to leave. He apologized over and over again and talked me into letting him stay. He told me that he had been stuck in this fantasy world for months and although it wasn't a good enough excuse, his feelings for this girl weren't actually real. Even though there was no physical contact between them, I considered it cheating. Especially, because he was so bold as to tell someone else that he loved them.
It almost would have been better if he had just slept with someone and there was no emotional exchange of words involved. I beat myself up, wondering what I had done wrong, what made him look for an emotional connection with someone else who lived 12 hours away, when I was in the next room. I may not be Heidi Klum, but I'm certainly NOT an asshole. As if I needed more to be self-conscious about, I felt like this was my fault. Maybe I should not wear the same t-shirt all weekend? Or maybe I should just walk around naked after the kids go to bed? Or not leave the house without make-up? I felt lost and alone and like no one could relate or understand what I was going through. Instantly, everyone thought of him as an asshole. But I didn't marry an asshole. I married someone who loved the shit out of me. Who told me I was beautiful even when my hair was frizzy and I had crusted drool on my chin. Who couldn't wait to spend his life with me. Who laughed at my stupid jokes.
What the hell happened?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Meat and Potatoes, which becomes your diet when you get married, except if you're vegan, then this does not apply to you at all
I just had to drink three cups of coffee in order to write this. That ain't no thing but a chicken wing for an avid coffee drinker like myself. However, usually, I clean my entire house after I drink three cups of coffee, instead of sitting still and typing on my computer. I estimate that I will complete this blog in about 47 seconds.
The reason for the massive coffee intake is because trying to focus on the last few years of my life is virtually impossible without caffeine. I feel like I've had an out of body experience and that I've done nothing but what I've had to do to keep going. At the risk of sounding like I've gone off my rocker, it's as if I've lived the last few years without my soul and my true self was trapped in glass box, watching me go through the motions of each day as a miserable, lonely, soulless little person. My true self kept screaming at me to do something, to break free, but I lacked the knowledge and motivation to change the state of my condition.
But this is supposed to be kind of funny, right?
Well, I just spilled my fourth cup of coffee on myself. No joke. I'm hot, wet, and I smell like hazelnuts.
Anyways, after we got married, we were in wedded bliss for a few months, then the most wonderful thing happened. Well, the second most wonderful thing. My daughter, Zoe, was born in late fall (or as it's called in Syracuse, "early winter"). The night before she was born (via Cesarean), I was incredibly nervous, and neither Josh, nor I could sleep. Maybe it was just nerves, but as we were laying in bed, I made a joke about something stupid and we both went into a fit of hysterical laughter. We laughed so hard it hurt. Seriously, if someone heard us, we probably sounded like maniacs. I couldn't catch my breath and, for a second, was scared I might laugh myself into labor. The sexiest compliment I've ever received was being able to make my husband laugh at something goofy I said. He didn't have to actually say anything to flatter me, it was just his honest reaction to my incessant silliness. We managed to eventually fall asleep and, for the first time, we slept in each others' arms and stayed that way until we woke up. The next morning went off without a hitch. Zoe's birth brought Josh and I extremely close. This was probably the happiest we ever were. She was so healthy and just an incredibly happy baby. Even when she puked on me, she was adorable. If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is.
Although Josh and I had been brought closer through Zoe, it wasn't long before conflict ensued. I had been out of work for five months, and took the first crappy job I could get: Selling male enhancement products over the phone. I really wish I was kidding. Try fighting off post partum depression while selling dick cream. I dare you. Josh worked at the same place, and as a natural salesperson, he did very well. Even as a woman with a decent sounding phone voice, I had no luck with my sales.......perhaps because I felt I was giving up my dignity in order to make a living. Needless to say, I was very unhappy and due to hormonal fluctuations after having Zoe, I rarely felt like having sex. This confused Josh, as it would most men. Although I told him several times that my lack of "desire" had nothing to do with him personally, he was still very discouraged.
So selling dick cream didn't last very long. Josh continued to work there, but I couldn't find a steady job that didn't involve abandoning my morals until later that summer. When I started my new job, Josh decided he was going to retire from selling dick cream (or working any other job with stable income) and sell knock off designer watches.
Wait......what?
In marriage, or any relationship, communication is the key to success. Obviously, right? This major decision was not discussed. It was just done. I panicked. My job was only part-time to start and it wasn't guaranteed when it would turn into full-time. How were we supposed to survive?? Turns out, even though it was incredibly illegal and risky, Josh made decent, though inconsistent, money selling watches and we were hanging in there financially. Still, I was regularly on edge. The lack of security frightened me and made me paranoid. I tried to be supportive and trust my husband but my true self was banging on the glass and screaming, "THIS NOT OKAY!!! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!!" Or maybe it was my mother.......I can't remember. It was probably a little bit of both.
Despite my anxiety, our first anniversary that summer was pretty awesome. He surprised me by taking me to dinner at Ichiban where we proceeded to drop 100 bones on nothing but sushi. One of my favorite things about Josh was that he wasn't cheap, especially when it came to food. I won't tell you how much we spent on booze, you might think less of me. After dinner, we spent the night in a hotel, and had some........dessert. The whole night couldn't have been better. In fact, if there was a contest for best first anniversary ever, based on the rate of fun being had, ours would win by a landslide.
My job eventually turned into a full time position, which eased my mind a little bit, but only a little bit. I was still the sole provider for the family, and occasionally had to borrow from Bank of Amomica to make ends meet. I was making a mediocre hourly wage, but I couldn't really expect too much because as smart as I am, I still wasn't college educated. The whole single mom thing had made that impossible thus far. I talked to Josh about how this bothered me. I told him I really wanted to go back to school not only to obtain a degree, but also to keep my brain sharp. His response wasn't quite what I had hoped it would be. In a nutshell, he told me to go ahead and do what I wanted. I suppose he didn't really see how this would directly affect him. Like that I would eventually be smarter than he was.
So I registered for some online classes. No big deal, I can work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table. Yeah, totally. Hakuna fucking matata.
In actuality, I could barely work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table. With all of this on my plate, I still managed to get a decent GPA that semester. Josh acted like he couldn't have cared less. Now, I wasn't looking for a badge of honor, but I received no encouragement or support from the one person that I wanted to be proud of me. I made peace with the fact that I was going to have to be my own cheerleader, and registered for another semester.
The designer knock off watch business fell through but Josh was determined to have his own company. So with no capital, advice, or plan he started an electronic cigarette business. He had successfully quit smoking by using an electronic cigarette and felt as though selling them to smokers also looking to quit would be lucrative. It was, kind of. The inconsistency of how much he was contributing to the household was really starting to wear away at me. Most of the time he was online, trying to network, advertise, and find the best deals on products he was selling.
I wasn't exactly trying hard to get his attention. As soon as I got home from work, I changed into sweats, threw my hair on top of my head, and started my "mom routine". Dinner, homework with Alexa, bathing both kids, cleaning up, then doing my school work until bed. Is that sexy or what? We were living separate lives. I had my own thing going on, he had his thing. And then he got another thing........
The reason for the massive coffee intake is because trying to focus on the last few years of my life is virtually impossible without caffeine. I feel like I've had an out of body experience and that I've done nothing but what I've had to do to keep going. At the risk of sounding like I've gone off my rocker, it's as if I've lived the last few years without my soul and my true self was trapped in glass box, watching me go through the motions of each day as a miserable, lonely, soulless little person. My true self kept screaming at me to do something, to break free, but I lacked the knowledge and motivation to change the state of my condition.
But this is supposed to be kind of funny, right?
Well, I just spilled my fourth cup of coffee on myself. No joke. I'm hot, wet, and I smell like hazelnuts.
Anyways, after we got married, we were in wedded bliss for a few months, then the most wonderful thing happened. Well, the second most wonderful thing. My daughter, Zoe, was born in late fall (or as it's called in Syracuse, "early winter"). The night before she was born (via Cesarean), I was incredibly nervous, and neither Josh, nor I could sleep. Maybe it was just nerves, but as we were laying in bed, I made a joke about something stupid and we both went into a fit of hysterical laughter. We laughed so hard it hurt. Seriously, if someone heard us, we probably sounded like maniacs. I couldn't catch my breath and, for a second, was scared I might laugh myself into labor. The sexiest compliment I've ever received was being able to make my husband laugh at something goofy I said. He didn't have to actually say anything to flatter me, it was just his honest reaction to my incessant silliness. We managed to eventually fall asleep and, for the first time, we slept in each others' arms and stayed that way until we woke up. The next morning went off without a hitch. Zoe's birth brought Josh and I extremely close. This was probably the happiest we ever were. She was so healthy and just an incredibly happy baby. Even when she puked on me, she was adorable. If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is.
Although Josh and I had been brought closer through Zoe, it wasn't long before conflict ensued. I had been out of work for five months, and took the first crappy job I could get: Selling male enhancement products over the phone. I really wish I was kidding. Try fighting off post partum depression while selling dick cream. I dare you. Josh worked at the same place, and as a natural salesperson, he did very well. Even as a woman with a decent sounding phone voice, I had no luck with my sales.......perhaps because I felt I was giving up my dignity in order to make a living. Needless to say, I was very unhappy and due to hormonal fluctuations after having Zoe, I rarely felt like having sex. This confused Josh, as it would most men. Although I told him several times that my lack of "desire" had nothing to do with him personally, he was still very discouraged.
So selling dick cream didn't last very long. Josh continued to work there, but I couldn't find a steady job that didn't involve abandoning my morals until later that summer. When I started my new job, Josh decided he was going to retire from selling dick cream (or working any other job with stable income) and sell knock off designer watches.
Wait......what?
In marriage, or any relationship, communication is the key to success. Obviously, right? This major decision was not discussed. It was just done. I panicked. My job was only part-time to start and it wasn't guaranteed when it would turn into full-time. How were we supposed to survive?? Turns out, even though it was incredibly illegal and risky, Josh made decent, though inconsistent, money selling watches and we were hanging in there financially. Still, I was regularly on edge. The lack of security frightened me and made me paranoid. I tried to be supportive and trust my husband but my true self was banging on the glass and screaming, "THIS NOT OKAY!!! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!!" Or maybe it was my mother.......I can't remember. It was probably a little bit of both.
Despite my anxiety, our first anniversary that summer was pretty awesome. He surprised me by taking me to dinner at Ichiban where we proceeded to drop 100 bones on nothing but sushi. One of my favorite things about Josh was that he wasn't cheap, especially when it came to food. I won't tell you how much we spent on booze, you might think less of me. After dinner, we spent the night in a hotel, and had some........dessert. The whole night couldn't have been better. In fact, if there was a contest for best first anniversary ever, based on the rate of fun being had, ours would win by a landslide.
My job eventually turned into a full time position, which eased my mind a little bit, but only a little bit. I was still the sole provider for the family, and occasionally had to borrow from Bank of Amomica to make ends meet. I was making a mediocre hourly wage, but I couldn't really expect too much because as smart as I am, I still wasn't college educated. The whole single mom thing had made that impossible thus far. I talked to Josh about how this bothered me. I told him I really wanted to go back to school not only to obtain a degree, but also to keep my brain sharp. His response wasn't quite what I had hoped it would be. In a nutshell, he told me to go ahead and do what I wanted. I suppose he didn't really see how this would directly affect him. Like that I would eventually be smarter than he was.
So I registered for some online classes. No big deal, I can work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table. Yeah, totally. Hakuna fucking matata.
In actuality, I could barely work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table. With all of this on my plate, I still managed to get a decent GPA that semester. Josh acted like he couldn't have cared less. Now, I wasn't looking for a badge of honor, but I received no encouragement or support from the one person that I wanted to be proud of me. I made peace with the fact that I was going to have to be my own cheerleader, and registered for another semester.
The designer knock off watch business fell through but Josh was determined to have his own company. So with no capital, advice, or plan he started an electronic cigarette business. He had successfully quit smoking by using an electronic cigarette and felt as though selling them to smokers also looking to quit would be lucrative. It was, kind of. The inconsistency of how much he was contributing to the household was really starting to wear away at me. Most of the time he was online, trying to network, advertise, and find the best deals on products he was selling.
I wasn't exactly trying hard to get his attention. As soon as I got home from work, I changed into sweats, threw my hair on top of my head, and started my "mom routine". Dinner, homework with Alexa, bathing both kids, cleaning up, then doing my school work until bed. Is that sexy or what? We were living separate lives. I had my own thing going on, he had his thing. And then he got another thing........
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