The Meat and Potatoes, which becomes your diet when you get married, except if you're vegan, then this does not apply to you at all

I just had to drink three cups of coffee in order to write this.  That ain't no thing but a chicken wing for an avid coffee drinker like myself.  However, usually, I clean my entire house after I drink three cups of coffee, instead of sitting still and typing on my computer.  I estimate that I will complete this blog in about 47 seconds.  

The reason for the massive coffee intake is because trying to focus on the last few years of my life is virtually impossible without caffeine.  I feel like I've had an out of body experience and that I've done nothing but what I've had to do to keep going.  At the risk of sounding like I've gone off my rocker, it's as if I've lived the last few years without my soul and my true self was trapped in glass box, watching me go through the motions of each day as a miserable, lonely, soulless little person.  My true self kept screaming at me to do something, to break free, but I lacked the knowledge and motivation to change the state of my condition. 


But this is supposed to be kind of funny, right?  


Well, I just spilled my fourth cup of coffee on myself.  No joke.  I'm hot, wet, and I smell like hazelnuts.


Anyways, after we got married, we were in wedded bliss for a few months, then the most wonderful thing happened.  Well, the second most wonderful thing.  My daughter, Zoe, was born in late fall (or as it's called in Syracuse, "early winter").  The night before she was born (via Cesarean), I was incredibly nervous, and neither Josh, nor I could sleep.  Maybe it was just nerves, but as we were laying in bed, I made a joke about something stupid and we both went into a fit of hysterical laughter.  We laughed so hard it hurt.  Seriously, if someone heard us, we probably sounded like maniacs.  I couldn't catch my breath and, for a second, was scared I might laugh myself into labor.  The sexiest compliment I've ever received was being able to make my husband laugh at something goofy I said.  He didn't have to actually say anything to flatter me, it was just his honest reaction to my incessant silliness.  We managed to eventually fall asleep and, for the first time, we slept in each others' arms and stayed that way until we woke up. The next morning went off without a hitch.  Zoe's birth brought Josh and I extremely close.  This was probably the happiest we ever were.  She was so healthy and just an incredibly happy baby.  Even when she puked on me, she was adorable.  If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is.  


Although Josh and I had been brought closer through Zoe, it wasn't long before conflict ensued.  I had been out of work for five months, and took the first crappy job I could get:  Selling male enhancement products over the phone.  I really wish I was kidding.  Try fighting off post partum depression while selling dick cream.  I dare you.  Josh worked at the same place, and as a natural salesperson, he did very well.  Even as a woman with a decent sounding phone voice, I had no luck with my sales.......perhaps because I felt I was giving up my dignity in order to make a living.   Needless to say, I was very unhappy and due to hormonal fluctuations after having Zoe, I rarely felt like having sex.  This confused Josh, as it would most men.  Although I told him several times that my lack of "desire" had nothing to do with him personally, he was still very discouraged.  

So selling dick cream didn't last very long.  Josh continued to work there, but I couldn't find a steady job that didn't involve abandoning my morals until later that summer.  When I started my new job, Josh decided he was going to retire from selling dick cream (or working any other job with stable income) and sell knock off designer watches.  


Wait......what?


In marriage, or any relationship, communication is the key to success.  Obviously, right?  This major decision was not discussed.  It was just done.  I panicked.  My job was only part-time to start and it wasn't guaranteed when it would turn into full-time.  How were we supposed to survive??  Turns out, even though it was incredibly illegal and risky, Josh made decent, though inconsistent, money selling watches and we were hanging in there financially.  Still, I was regularly on edge.  The lack of security frightened me and made me paranoid.  I tried to be supportive and trust my husband but my true self was banging on the glass and screaming, "THIS NOT OKAY!!!  YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!!"  Or maybe it was my mother.......I can't remember.  It was probably a little bit of both.  


Despite my anxiety, our first anniversary that summer was pretty awesome.  He surprised me by taking me to dinner at Ichiban where we proceeded to drop 100 bones on nothing but sushi.  One of my favorite things about Josh was that he wasn't cheap, especially when it came to food.   I won't tell you how much we spent on booze, you might think less of me.  After dinner, we spent the night in a hotel, and had some........dessert.  The whole night couldn't have been better.  In fact, if there was a contest for best first anniversary ever, based on the rate of fun being had, ours would win by a landslide.  


My job eventually turned into a full time position, which eased my mind a little bit, but only a little bit.  I was still the sole provider for the family, and occasionally had to borrow from Bank of Amomica to make ends meet.  I was making a mediocre hourly wage, but I couldn't really expect too much because as smart as I am, I still wasn't college educated.  The whole single mom thing had made that impossible thus far.   I talked to Josh about how this bothered me.  I told him I really wanted to go back to school not only to obtain a degree, but also to keep my brain sharp.  His response wasn't quite what I had hoped it would be.  In a nutshell, he told me to go ahead and do what I wanted.  I suppose he didn't really see how this would directly affect him.  Like that I would eventually be smarter than he was.  


So I registered for some online classes.  No big deal, I can work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table.  Yeah, totally.  Hakuna fucking matata. 

In actuality, I could barely work full time, do full time online college work, take care of the kids, and still get dinner on the table.   With all of this on my plate, I still managed to get a decent GPA that semester.  Josh acted like he couldn't have cared less.  Now, I wasn't looking for a badge of honor, but I received no encouragement or support from the one person that I wanted to be proud of me.  I made peace with the fact that I was going to have to be my own cheerleader, and registered for another semester.  


The designer knock off watch business fell through but Josh was determined to have his own company.  So with no capital, advice, or plan he started an electronic cigarette business.   He had successfully quit smoking by using an electronic cigarette and felt as though selling them to smokers also looking to quit would be lucrative.  It was, kind of.  The inconsistency of how much he was contributing to the household was really starting to wear away at me.  Most of the time he was online, trying to network, advertise, and find the best deals on products he was selling.  

I wasn't exactly trying hard to get his attention.  As soon as I got home from work, I changed into sweats, threw my hair on top of my head, and started my "mom routine".  Dinner, homework with Alexa, bathing both kids, cleaning up, then doing my school work until bed.  Is that sexy or what?  We were living separate lives.  I had my own thing going on, he had his thing.  And then he got another thing........