New Year's, 2010. I'm hoping to put this awful year behind me and I have high hopes that 2011 will be nothing short of spectacular!!!
Nope!
Just like a venereal disease, sometimes your situation gets worse before it gets better.
In January, Josh realizes that he's wasted quite a bit of time playing with "Homewrecker" and also, actual homewreckers. He makes the brave decision to start exercising and trying to lose the weight he's gained since we've been married (it happens to the best of us). He orders Power 90, a bunch of protein powder and gets to it. Practically the same week he makes this change, my dad has heart complications and slips into a coma. My whole world came crashing down.
My dad cheated death multiple times, for some reason though, I had a bad feeling that he wasn't going to win this round. He was in a hospital in Rochester and I was constantly driving back and forth to see him in case he woke up. When he finally did, he just wasn't the same. The whole month of February was like being in limbo. Everyone waited, praying that he would improve.
Josh continued his workout regimen. He was doing really well, and dropping weight quickly. I wanted to be happy for him, but I had mentally checked out from reality. Classic case of bad, no good, horrible timing on every level. I was literally just going through the motions of each day, unsure of what the future held.
I couldn't be Josh's cheerleader anymore. I was worn out and tired of giving all of myself to him and not receiving anything in return. I wasn't deliberately ignoring him, but obviously, I was preoccupied and concerned about my father's well being. He was preoccupied on improving himself. I can't blame him, this was a huge step for him. Why should he stop? It wouldn't have changed how my dad was doing. In order to make himself accountable, he religiously posted on Facebook about his workouts, what he ate, how he felt, etc. I noticed that his sister's best friend was putting in her two cents on his status updates quite a bit. I found it a little odd that she was all of sudden writing all over his "wall". It didn't really bother me, he had known her for a long time and I figured she was just being nice.
My best friend, Alicia, offered to come visit me from New York City. I must have sounded pretty messed up on the phone. She stayed at my house, helped out with the kids, and basically just gave me another reason to love her unconditionally. Josh and I had fallen back into old habits. No communication, no connection, completely out of sync. Just as before, I had an inkling that there was something else going on. A woman's intuition is the most annoying, yet blessed thing. I wish I was stupid....er.
Josh's phone was always MIA. He kept it very well hidden from me. But he couldn't hide his computer. So I went snooping again when he wasn't around. This time, I checked his emails. Lo and behold, guess what I found? Emails between him and his sister's BFF. In her defense, Josh seemed to be the aggressor. He was mostly flirting, telling her that she was beautiful, amongst other things, and asked her if she wanted to meet up for drinks sometime after he got out of work.
Mother. Fucker. Why was I so naive? I'll tell you why. Because I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to believe that he loved me as much as I had loved him. I meant what I said when we got married. For better or for worse, yo. Even if it.......kept.......getting worse....
I decided this time to go about confronting him a little differently. Maybe it was kind of malicious, but I wanted to hit him with my knowledge of what he'd been up to in a surprising way.
It was a Sunday. It had, surprisingly, been a pretty good day. Josh was in a great mood. We did something with the kids, I can't remember what it was, but I know that we all had fun. That night, he put in his workout dvd, and he asked me to work out with him. Oh really? You want to hang out with me now?, I thought. But instead, I said, "Sure, why not?" So we worked out together, giggled a little bit because we kept bumping in to each other, and we actually had a lot of fun. I kept thinking how, after such a perfect day, it would be soooo fucked up for me to tell him that I read his emails. What do I have to lose at this point? I've got his balls in my back pocket. All I have to do is sit down. I want him to feel as shitty as I've felt the last few months.
After we worked out, drank some protein shakes, and chatted about how good we felt, I laid it on him. "I read the emails between you and Kim." Again, the look of shock that I know so well. This time, I'm not sure if it's because I just ruined the whole day or because I caught him again. "Seriously, Josh, why? Why are you doing this to me? Have I been that horrible of a wife to you?" I demanded. I'll be honest, I can't remember what his response was. Again, I told him to start packing his shit and figure out some living arrangements. He, again, tells me he wants to stay, that he loves me, and me only. Kim happened to also make the decision to work out around the same time that he did, which is how they started talking. Eventually, as my attention shifted towards my father, he needed some attention and was readily getting it from Kim.
I don't have the strength to fight anymore. Kicking out your husband while your father is dying is probably not the best laid plan, I told myself.
I told him that if he really wanted to stay, he needed to email her, tell her that he made a HUGE mistake (the word huge had to be in capital letters) and that he was not going to email her anymore. I also made him show me the email he sent. She sent one back apologizing for any pain she may have caused. Whatever.
I felt like I was in control. Finally. I had stood by, helpless, for too long. I also made the conscious decision to start working out as well. Working out with Josh was really motivating. He was an animal. We got up early, worked out together, had a protein shake with a side of coffee, showered, and then I went to work. He worked nights, so while he was gone, I did a nighttime workout on my own. We were back on track. All of a sudden, it was like we were newlyweds again. Thank you, endorphins. Our relationship did a 180. We were so happy.......like all the time. Even my 6 year old was like, "Are you guys...okay?" I lost almost 20 lbs in less than a month and I had visible biceps! I dropped a pant size and my energy was through the roof. Turns out, working out is all it's cracked up to be.
But all good things must come to an end, right?
Meanwhile in Rochester, my dad's condition was not improving, it was getting worse. Time stopped when a nurse practitioner asked me, "What are your dad's wishes?" I knew she wasn't talking about how he wished to own another restaurant. I felt like I was too young for someone to ask me that question. See, my dad and I lost a lot of time with each other. As a restaurant owner and the primary chef, he was always at work and not at home. Most of my childhood, I didn't really know my dad. It was only as an adult, that we started to gain some of that time back.
I knew what my dad's wishes were. He didn't want anyone to make a fuss over him. He told me several times that he didn't want to stay on life support. I just didn't think this decision would have to be made so soon. And it literally did. I think my family and I had only a few days to think about it. We knew what we had to do though. It was time to let him go, and not let him suffer any more.
My dad past away on March 3rd, 2011 at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester. Josh was amazing. He held me through the whole process and didn't leave my side. Alicia came up from New York City and again, helped me with everything she could. My family and I received an outpouring of love and support from friends and the community.
And the Italians of Syracuse did their part and sent the food. That's what my people do. Bad break up? Have some lasagna. Someone died? Have some meatballs and sauce. Sick? Have some pasta fazool. To Italians, there's a meal suited for every possible situation, good or bad.
Naturally, with all the food and the crying, one forgets to work out. Just as quickly as Josh and I had hopped on the wagon, when my father died, we got back off. Oh and, to top it all off, about a week later, Josh lost his job. Wasn't that sweet? Back to Square 1.
What's next? Locusts? The Black Plague? Only time will tell.
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