So naturally, I start bawling like an infant.
The day my ex and I went to divorce court, we decided to get back together. You read that correctly. Yes, we're batshit crazy. What were we thinking, blah blah blah. Well, for the record, we weren't. We finally had the conversation that I had been waiting for us to have for a long time. The conversation that would shed some light on what really went wrong in our marriage. The VH1 Behind The Music, E! True Hollywood Story account of what happened between us. The acceptance of each other's faults, the apologies for the mistakes we made, and the realization that deep down, there may have still been some love left in our hearts. We sat on a bench in the middle of a bustling downtown square, held each other, and cried it out. He smoothed my hair, kissed my cheek, and I became putty in his hands all over again. All kinds of warning signs, red flags, and foghorns were trying to keep me from making yet another stupid mistake, but I just kept driving down this crazy, winding road of bliss and confusion. Before we parted that day, we concluded that we should try to actually date and get to know each other all over again, something that we should have done 4 years ago. For the two months that followed, there were lunches and coffee dates, flirting and smiling and jellowy leg feelings. That fiery passion, that electricity we had felt from the moment we were in the same room with each other, remained. He seemed so much more mature, and I really felt as though he and I had both come out of our divorce as better people. Everything was wonderful for about 2 and 1/2 months (standard honeymoon phase time frame). A few things happened that brought me back to reality. It became apparent to me that he hadn't changed much at all in certain ways. He is who he is, and no amount of time will change him into the person I want him to be. I subconsciously became withdrawn, I communicated with him less, lost that burning desire to be next to him, but I was too much of a coward and harbored too much guilt about those feelings to come right out and tell him what was on my mind. I also had, and still do have, so much I need to take care of on my own, just little things like getting a job and trying to plan out the rest of my life.
His work schedule became quite hectic around the same time I began to change my mind about our future together. Communication diminished even more, and it got to a point where we didn't talk at all for a week. No plans were made to spend time together as a family or even with just him and the kids. I finally broke the silence and got the impression he had moved on from me. Not necessarily with another woman, but just moved on from our relationship without there being a discussion about it. In a way, I suppose I had, too. Now we're back to where we were 6 months ago: Him spending weekends with one or both kids and me trying to get over this relationship again. Even though I'm certain we're not right for each other, there's still a lingering ache that I don't know how to subdue. The way things have ended so suddenly, twice now, keeps messing with my head. Have we just been in lust this whole time? I was so sure that I truly loved him and that the feeling was basically mutual. Is this how it happens? Does love begin and end like a blow to the head? It's hard for me to come to terms with the notion that he never really loved me at all, that maybe he just loved my sense of humor or my other quirky personality traits, and didn't love all of who I am. When we were married and together, I know with all of my heart that I loved him for who he was. This time around, I think I got caught up in a whirlwind of lust and a selfish need to feel like I meant something to someone again. It's not my place to say or even hypothesize what he was thinking when he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him the day we left divorce court. All I know is, we've never fought to be with each other. When one of us becomes distant, the other doesn't fight to become closer. There's just this mutual acceptance of the situation.
I take full responsibility for my mistakes, but this is how I learn: Royally fucking something up, feeling devastated, hating myself, watching old movies, and eating ice cream. Then I'm all better a few days later. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll break the self-pity cycle. In the meantime, I have officially sworn off dating until I totally have a grip on what I'm doing with the rest of my life. When I say dating, I mean all aspects of dating. Nothing physical or emotional or a combination of both. No more self destructive behavior, no more crying over something that was obviously never meant to be in the first place, no more ice cre-.........well, let's not push it. After a full year of this relationship being in an odd form of limbo, it's over for good. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Never again. Fat lady sang, Randy Jackson said "Hey yo, that was dope, dog!" The end. Fin.
Now, where did I leave my confidence..... I think it's somewhere near the happiness, but I can't find that either. Then again, it's always in the last place you looked.
