The Science of Online Dating

When you're single, meeting new people is tough.  You can go to bars, but if you live in a small city like I do, you see the same people all the time.  Bo-ring.  My schedule between work and the kids doesn't allow me a lot of time to look into other things to do around the city so I can meet people, though I doubt there's much anyway.

Online dating, in theory, is a great idea.  Here's why:  I can put all the little details out there in plain sight that may initially determine whether or not someone wants to know me better.  In a bar, you can't tell by looking at someone if they're employed, if they have kids, if they're divorced, if they like Thai food, etc.  Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that people have absolutely no idea what they're doing.  I find myself wanting to facepalm after every profile I read.  If you ever want to give online dating a whirl, let me tell you what to look out for.  Keep in mind, I'm a straight woman, so I'm describing the most common straight men's profiles I've seen so far.  I'm generalizing based on the hundreds of profiles I've looked at.  I'm sure the women's profiles are just as entertaining.  Maybe I'll creep on them and do a follow up blog.  Anyway, here is what I've come up with so far:

Mr. Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants   

This guy is out to get laid and he's not afraid to talk about it.  He is not looking for long term dating, or anything that resembles a relationship.  He might only want to hang out with you once and not care what your name is.  He wants to fuck.  He'll fuck an empty couch if he can find one.  His standards are probably low, even though he's moderately attractive.  He could also have herpes.  Or AIDS.  He's most likely a douche bag and will send you pictures of his dick before you even have a chance to ask.

Mr. Not So Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants

This guy is tricky.  He's a little more suave than his cousin, Mr. Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants.  He pretends like he wants to get to know you.  He'll even meet you at a neutral place and want to get "coffee".  He'll look you in the eye, tell you you're beautiful, ask you why you're single, and charm you to a point where you begin thinking of centerpieces for your wedding.  After your first date, he'll text you to say he had a great time.  Then..........he'll ask if you want to come over to his place to watch a movie next time.  Yes, "watching a movie" still has the same definition as it did in high school, only now, your date is old enough to buy beer or wine or maybe even roofies.  Know the signs.  He puts in solid groundwork in order to sleep with you because he likes the chase.  If you sleep with him, there are two possible outcomes:  a) He never speaks to you again so he can move on to his next victim or b) He wants to have you over again to watch another movie, which also means he wants to fuck you again and never take you to dinner. You're also never getting married.

Mr. Kinky

Purely sex driven, this guy has some sort of fantasy that he discovered in a porno and is anxiously searching for someone to help him fulfill it.  I personally think this is the kind of guy that belongs on Craigslist and not on official dating sites, but he can't help himself.  He's either looking for someone to dominate him or for someone he can dominate and make his "slave".  Or he's looking for someone to pee on.  Sometimes he's married and his wife isn't into the same things he is, or his wife wants to get involved but she'd rather watch.  Yeah......no.

Mr. Graduate

Apparently, when you're 30, you're extremely hot to anyone between the ages of 18 and 25.  As flattering as this is, to me, it's also hilarious.  I've probably received more messages from guys in their early 20's than in my preferred age range.  Some as young as 18 and 19.  What do you think we have in common, kids?  I have real problems, like where am I going to send my kids to school next year, not which bar am I going to hit up this weekend or where I can get in with my fake ID.  Especially since I haven't had a fake ID in about 12 years.  Mr. Graduate teeters alongside Mr. Kinky because some just have a fantasy of being with an "older" woman.......

That's right.  Older.  Where did I put the wine?


Mr. Bitter 

He openly states that his heart's been broken (join the club, pal), that he's actually a really nice guy and then complains that:

"Women are shallow. Women only want guys with money, or guys who are really good looking, or guys with big dicks, etc....."

Well, yeah.....I mean, basically, that's what we want.  Is that realistic?  Not always. We'd also like a good guy who has his shit together and is confident.  Why would I want to date your whiny ass?  I don't have the time to prove that I'm a good person and change your mind about the female species. And you're not going to grab my attention by openly insulting women in general.  "Nice" guys don't finish last.  Guy who know their worth do.  Beware of this one.  He'll cling to you like a dryer sheet if you're nice to him.  I think this is also the kind of guy who posts vague status updates on Facebook.  Or he'll just post this as his status:

:(

........and sit back and wait for the ladies to post comments like, "What's wrong, hun?" "Don't be sad!" "I'm here if you need to talk".  Alright, I'm getting carried away.  But I KNOW you know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Macho

His main picture is him with his shirt off at the gym.  What?  Who does that?  The next picture is of him in a shirt that he clearly bought at Baby Gap.  There may also be several other pictures of him shirtless, or my personal favorite, him pulling up his shirt to reveal his six pack like it's some secret he's letting you in on.  He's muscley, he's tan, he has 5 brain cells.  He may or may not assume that every bitch wants him.  I've seen this go two different ways.  Either he's sweet and really stupid or he's arrogant and really stupid.  If you're a smart woman and you like conversations about things other than protein shakes and how Jersey Shore deserved another season, keep looking.
 
 Mr. Man Who Has No Business Dating Anyone Until He Gets His Life Together

This is one of my favorites.  Ok, so there are a multitude of different scenarios this guy could be in.  He's 37, and he lives with his parents because he's going through a divorce.  He still lives with his baby mama because he can't find a place.  He doesn't have a car.  He doesn't have a job.  He's a full time student who also plays volleyball three nights a week and is very busy but he'll "make time for the right person".  Really?  You would fit little ol' me into your busy, busy schedule, sir?  Go fuck yourself.  Just wait, gentlemen.  Wait until all your duckies are in a row and you're ready to date or have a relationship if that's what you want.  Single women aren't going anywhere.  Our options are too limited.

Mr. Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Ah, the internet.  Where we can be who we want to appear to be any time we'd like.  This guy has one or two pictures on his profile. They're probably black and white or with some sort of edited effect to make the picture nondescript.  If they are actually normal and not edited, then he looks pretty damn attractive.  After you move past the picture, he might leave some things blank, like his income.  And that's ok, you think.  That's sort of personal anyway.  His job is listed as "Other".  His height is 5'8".  Again, that's ok.  He's not tall but still taller than you.  His status is "Single".  Perfect!  So you get to talking, you hit it off, and decide to meet.  The man you meet is not the man you've been talking to for five days straight.  Turns out, he's 5'4", bald, and he looks nothing like his picture that must have been taken three years ago.  By the way, he's "separated", not "single".  Oh!  And he works at Wal-mart as a janitor.  Next!

Mr. Moron

This is a guy who doesn't seem to really give a shit or maybe he's just not the brightest crayon in the box.  His profile is about three barely legible lines long and this is what they are:

"Just a simple guy who likes to have fun easygoing love music and movies camping i hate describing myself so if you like what you see you know what to do."

How well did third grade language arts go for you?  Oh and you like to have fun?  I'm sorry, I'm actually only interested in guys who HATE fun.  Movies and music?  Wow.  It is so rare to meet someone who's into both.  Make an effort for fuck's sake.  This might sound over analytical, but if you don't put enough effort into your silly little dating profile, how much effort are you going to put into a relationship?

Mr. Greatest Father In The World (How do you know he's the greatest?  Because he'll tell you)

The first thing he tells you is that he puts his kids first, before any woman.  His kids are his entire world.  They are his everything and he loves them so much.  He shares custody with his ex (who is a two-timing bitch) and he had to fight for custody because New York state is bullshit and he's broke because he had to shell out his life savings to get a good lawyer.  He listens to heavy metal and loves the Jets.

Now, if you followed directions correctly, judging by the little questionnaire you filled out, I already know that you have children.  And that's all I need to know at first.  I will assume that you're a stand up guy and a good father until you prove to be otherwise.  Take a seat.  Calm down.  I'm not your therapist, I just want to go out to dinner.  Your profile tells me nothing about YOU, which is who I'd want to date, not your kids (though I'm sure they're awesome).

Mr. Over Achiever

This fucking guy.  This guy exists to make you feel inadequate about your life.  He has two bachelors' degrees, a master's degree, and he's currently working on his PhD.  He was a foreign exchange student in China and speaks Mandarin fluently.  He also learned Russian, Italian, and Swahili, just for fun.  He's been to 24 countries (and counting!), and would love to someday be a global ambassador for......something.  When he's not globe trotting, he plays softball, basketball, golf, and he works out five days a week.  He plays piano, guitar, and he's teaching himself how to play jazz flute because, he loves jazz.  He works at a Fortune 500 company and volunteers at the animal shelter on the weekends.  He'd really like to settle down with someone as equally as perfect as he is.  Must love to travel!  Hand me a barf bag.


I'm tired and have no idea how to properly bring this to a close.  All I'll say is, you can't make this stuff up.

If you've had similar experiences as I have, please share in the comments below.  I'd love to know that I'm not alone.