The Science of Online Dating

When you're single, meeting new people is tough.  You can go to bars, but if you live in a small city like I do, you see the same people all the time.  Bo-ring.  My schedule between work and the kids doesn't allow me a lot of time to look into other things to do around the city so I can meet people, though I doubt there's much anyway.

Online dating, in theory, is a great idea.  Here's why:  I can put all the little details out there in plain sight that may initially determine whether or not someone wants to know me better.  In a bar, you can't tell by looking at someone if they're employed, if they have kids, if they're divorced, if they like Thai food, etc.  Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that people have absolutely no idea what they're doing.  I find myself wanting to facepalm after every profile I read.  If you ever want to give online dating a whirl, let me tell you what to look out for.  Keep in mind, I'm a straight woman, so I'm describing the most common straight men's profiles I've seen so far.  I'm generalizing based on the hundreds of profiles I've looked at.  I'm sure the women's profiles are just as entertaining.  Maybe I'll creep on them and do a follow up blog.  Anyway, here is what I've come up with so far:

Mr. Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants   

This guy is out to get laid and he's not afraid to talk about it.  He is not looking for long term dating, or anything that resembles a relationship.  He might only want to hang out with you once and not care what your name is.  He wants to fuck.  He'll fuck an empty couch if he can find one.  His standards are probably low, even though he's moderately attractive.  He could also have herpes.  Or AIDS.  He's most likely a douche bag and will send you pictures of his dick before you even have a chance to ask.

Mr. Not So Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants

This guy is tricky.  He's a little more suave than his cousin, Mr. Obviously Can't Keep It In His Pants.  He pretends like he wants to get to know you.  He'll even meet you at a neutral place and want to get "coffee".  He'll look you in the eye, tell you you're beautiful, ask you why you're single, and charm you to a point where you begin thinking of centerpieces for your wedding.  After your first date, he'll text you to say he had a great time.  Then..........he'll ask if you want to come over to his place to watch a movie next time.  Yes, "watching a movie" still has the same definition as it did in high school, only now, your date is old enough to buy beer or wine or maybe even roofies.  Know the signs.  He puts in solid groundwork in order to sleep with you because he likes the chase.  If you sleep with him, there are two possible outcomes:  a) He never speaks to you again so he can move on to his next victim or b) He wants to have you over again to watch another movie, which also means he wants to fuck you again and never take you to dinner. You're also never getting married.

Mr. Kinky

Purely sex driven, this guy has some sort of fantasy that he discovered in a porno and is anxiously searching for someone to help him fulfill it.  I personally think this is the kind of guy that belongs on Craigslist and not on official dating sites, but he can't help himself.  He's either looking for someone to dominate him or for someone he can dominate and make his "slave".  Or he's looking for someone to pee on.  Sometimes he's married and his wife isn't into the same things he is, or his wife wants to get involved but she'd rather watch.  Yeah......no.

Mr. Graduate

Apparently, when you're 30, you're extremely hot to anyone between the ages of 18 and 25.  As flattering as this is, to me, it's also hilarious.  I've probably received more messages from guys in their early 20's than in my preferred age range.  Some as young as 18 and 19.  What do you think we have in common, kids?  I have real problems, like where am I going to send my kids to school next year, not which bar am I going to hit up this weekend or where I can get in with my fake ID.  Especially since I haven't had a fake ID in about 12 years.  Mr. Graduate teeters alongside Mr. Kinky because some just have a fantasy of being with an "older" woman.......

That's right.  Older.  Where did I put the wine?


Mr. Bitter 

He openly states that his heart's been broken (join the club, pal), that he's actually a really nice guy and then complains that:

"Women are shallow. Women only want guys with money, or guys who are really good looking, or guys with big dicks, etc....."

Well, yeah.....I mean, basically, that's what we want.  Is that realistic?  Not always. We'd also like a good guy who has his shit together and is confident.  Why would I want to date your whiny ass?  I don't have the time to prove that I'm a good person and change your mind about the female species. And you're not going to grab my attention by openly insulting women in general.  "Nice" guys don't finish last.  Guy who know their worth do.  Beware of this one.  He'll cling to you like a dryer sheet if you're nice to him.  I think this is also the kind of guy who posts vague status updates on Facebook.  Or he'll just post this as his status:

:(

........and sit back and wait for the ladies to post comments like, "What's wrong, hun?" "Don't be sad!" "I'm here if you need to talk".  Alright, I'm getting carried away.  But I KNOW you know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Macho

His main picture is him with his shirt off at the gym.  What?  Who does that?  The next picture is of him in a shirt that he clearly bought at Baby Gap.  There may also be several other pictures of him shirtless, or my personal favorite, him pulling up his shirt to reveal his six pack like it's some secret he's letting you in on.  He's muscley, he's tan, he has 5 brain cells.  He may or may not assume that every bitch wants him.  I've seen this go two different ways.  Either he's sweet and really stupid or he's arrogant and really stupid.  If you're a smart woman and you like conversations about things other than protein shakes and how Jersey Shore deserved another season, keep looking.
 
 Mr. Man Who Has No Business Dating Anyone Until He Gets His Life Together

This is one of my favorites.  Ok, so there are a multitude of different scenarios this guy could be in.  He's 37, and he lives with his parents because he's going through a divorce.  He still lives with his baby mama because he can't find a place.  He doesn't have a car.  He doesn't have a job.  He's a full time student who also plays volleyball three nights a week and is very busy but he'll "make time for the right person".  Really?  You would fit little ol' me into your busy, busy schedule, sir?  Go fuck yourself.  Just wait, gentlemen.  Wait until all your duckies are in a row and you're ready to date or have a relationship if that's what you want.  Single women aren't going anywhere.  Our options are too limited.

Mr. Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Ah, the internet.  Where we can be who we want to appear to be any time we'd like.  This guy has one or two pictures on his profile. They're probably black and white or with some sort of edited effect to make the picture nondescript.  If they are actually normal and not edited, then he looks pretty damn attractive.  After you move past the picture, he might leave some things blank, like his income.  And that's ok, you think.  That's sort of personal anyway.  His job is listed as "Other".  His height is 5'8".  Again, that's ok.  He's not tall but still taller than you.  His status is "Single".  Perfect!  So you get to talking, you hit it off, and decide to meet.  The man you meet is not the man you've been talking to for five days straight.  Turns out, he's 5'4", bald, and he looks nothing like his picture that must have been taken three years ago.  By the way, he's "separated", not "single".  Oh!  And he works at Wal-mart as a janitor.  Next!

Mr. Moron

This is a guy who doesn't seem to really give a shit or maybe he's just not the brightest crayon in the box.  His profile is about three barely legible lines long and this is what they are:

"Just a simple guy who likes to have fun easygoing love music and movies camping i hate describing myself so if you like what you see you know what to do."

How well did third grade language arts go for you?  Oh and you like to have fun?  I'm sorry, I'm actually only interested in guys who HATE fun.  Movies and music?  Wow.  It is so rare to meet someone who's into both.  Make an effort for fuck's sake.  This might sound over analytical, but if you don't put enough effort into your silly little dating profile, how much effort are you going to put into a relationship?

Mr. Greatest Father In The World (How do you know he's the greatest?  Because he'll tell you)

The first thing he tells you is that he puts his kids first, before any woman.  His kids are his entire world.  They are his everything and he loves them so much.  He shares custody with his ex (who is a two-timing bitch) and he had to fight for custody because New York state is bullshit and he's broke because he had to shell out his life savings to get a good lawyer.  He listens to heavy metal and loves the Jets.

Now, if you followed directions correctly, judging by the little questionnaire you filled out, I already know that you have children.  And that's all I need to know at first.  I will assume that you're a stand up guy and a good father until you prove to be otherwise.  Take a seat.  Calm down.  I'm not your therapist, I just want to go out to dinner.  Your profile tells me nothing about YOU, which is who I'd want to date, not your kids (though I'm sure they're awesome).

Mr. Over Achiever

This fucking guy.  This guy exists to make you feel inadequate about your life.  He has two bachelors' degrees, a master's degree, and he's currently working on his PhD.  He was a foreign exchange student in China and speaks Mandarin fluently.  He also learned Russian, Italian, and Swahili, just for fun.  He's been to 24 countries (and counting!), and would love to someday be a global ambassador for......something.  When he's not globe trotting, he plays softball, basketball, golf, and he works out five days a week.  He plays piano, guitar, and he's teaching himself how to play jazz flute because, he loves jazz.  He works at a Fortune 500 company and volunteers at the animal shelter on the weekends.  He'd really like to settle down with someone as equally as perfect as he is.  Must love to travel!  Hand me a barf bag.


I'm tired and have no idea how to properly bring this to a close.  All I'll say is, you can't make this stuff up.

If you've had similar experiences as I have, please share in the comments below.  I'd love to know that I'm not alone.  

What's That On My Sleeve? Oh, It's Just My Heart. Someone Bring Me a Stainstick!

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assume that if you're reading this, you've also read my previous blogs.  In case you haven't, you can refer to this post and then this one, if you'd like to know what I'm talking about.

I was seeing this amazing guy, J, in September but things sort of fizzled.  He still, to this day, texts me occasionally to say hi or see how I'm doing or to "hang out" after 10 pm on Fridays.  I typically respond with, "I can't" or "I have the kids" or "I'm feeding starving children in Somalia, I can't talk right now".  Most of the time, the excuses are valid.  The rest of the time, I don't want to be around him because I know that things aren't going anywhere and I don't want to like him so much.  I hate it.  He's everything.  He is everything I want, except for the fact that he's not head over heels for me.  I haven't clicked with anyone the way that I have with him.  It's heart wrenching that he hasn't made more of an effort with me. I mean, this is a guy that I could potentially llllllooooooo-----aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I can't even say it.

He texted me for three consecutive nights wanting to hang out, and every time it was very late.  I couldn't take it anymore.  Now normally, I would just ignore him until he went away which is what I've done in the past.  It sounds ridiculous and desperate, but every time J texts me, I'm always hoping it's for something more than just a...........cuddle call (which, apparently, is all he claims to want.  Chyeah, right).  So after the third night, I snapped.  Something happens as you get older.  I think it's called something like..........not giving a fuck.

I texted him back and said, "Just stop. Stop texting me."  He immediately called me.  I then proceeded to call him out on all of his bullshit, but first, I confessed to everything that was bothering and how I truly felt about him.  I spilled it all.  I told him that if he let me, I would make him dinner all the time.  I would make him laugh every day.  I would watch every Giants game with him wearing nothing but Victor Cruz's jersey.  I would encourage him, support him, and be his best friend.  A year or two ago, I never would have had the guts to be so forward with my feelings, but fuck it.  He needed to know.

He claimed to feel the same way for me and proceeded to list everything he likes about me.  So what's the problem?  I asked.  He finally came clean and told me about the relationship he had several years ago which has left him bruised and broken.  This girl completely messed him up.  As sad as it is, most of us have had a relationship like this by the time we're 3o.   One that tears you apart, crushes your soul, and makes you question if life is worth the pain that comes with loving someone else.  

Some of us get over it.

Some of us blog about it.

And some of us punish everyone else who falls for us by not trusting them.

I didn't push the issue.  Maybe it's true that he's still messed up and there's nothing I can do to fix it.  Maybe it's that I'm not the right girl to pull him out of his five year funk.  I told him that I'm at the point of all or nothing, and the in between is not an option for me.  My feelings are too strong even for a friendship (and I can barely keep up with the friends that I do have).  No more texties.  No more calls.  Fin.  He objected.  "I can't imagine not being able to talk to you again,"  he said.  "I can't imagine why you won't even give this a chance," I said.  We went around in circles for hours.  Me, pathetically in tears, telling him that it hurts too much to keep dragging this out, and him, trying to talk me out of losing contact with him while at the same time, trying to get me to let him come over to wipe away my tears.  At 4 am, I was exhausted.  I said goodbye, he said that it better not be the last goodbye he hears from me, and that was it. 

I didn't hear from him the next day or the day after that.  I do the dumbest, girliest, most psychotic  things when I'm sad.  Like I read alllllllll of our text messages to each other from the beginning.  Abraham Lincoln is our favorite president, and we used to text Lincoln quotes to each other in the mornings.  I know......how adorkable is that?  Then, while at a party with some old friends, along with some new friends, I looked around and realized how well he'd fit in with everybody.  I thought about my Beeches, and my other friends, and how well he'd fit in with them, too.  It sucks, and there's nothing I can do.  While on the phone the other night, in between the tears, he lamented on how we both want to move south one day.  "Penny, it can be our 10 year plan! And we can take the kids to the beach on the weekends!" he said.  Did I mention that he gave me a nickname?  It started out as Jenny, then it went to Jenny Penny, then just Penny.  He loves my name, which to me, is odd because it's so incredibly common and not that special, but he loves it.  Sigh.

I don't know why he spoke of a future with me.  Doesn't he know that you can't say that kind of thing to a girl without her sort of hoping that it's true?  Why did he even bother trying to date at all if he wasn't ready?  He's a good looking guy, why couldn't he just let me go after the first time we met and chase after someone else?  I suppose I'll never really know.  And I guess this is one situation where that stupid saying that I hate will actually make sense:  "If you love (or just really, really like!!!!) someone, set them free.  If they come back, they're yours.  If they don't, they never were."

This is going to suck.  I haven't been this hung up over a guy since I started dating my ex-husband. I guess I'll go get that gym membership that I've been putting off, master the ukulele, and keep volunteering during my downtime.  I'll try to forget.  I'll delete him from my phone, as hard as it's going to be.  And if he tries to get in touch with me, I'll have to ignore him.  It's going to take some sort of grand gesture to change my mind, but something's telling me not to hold my breath waiting for it.

In a weird, twisted way, this has made me realize something about myself.  After what I've been through, I'm still pretty much ok.  I haven't shot down the possibility of love or even marriage again.  I'm not totally broken anymore.  I picked myself up, and got back into the game.  And I am NOT athletic.  I've made great strides in the last year and a half, and J can't even commit to a dinner date after five years of being single.  Life really is too short to miss out on the possibility of something awesome. 
 

This song doesn't really have to do with much of anything.  I just love it.

A Bun in an Unexpected Oven

I'm still a little naive about life.  There are a few situations that I don't imagine I'll ever be in or have to deal with.  Like I don't think I'll ever be arrested.......?  I don't think I'll be stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  I don't think I'll ever have to use the karate moves I learned when I was 10 years old.  Murphy's Law states otherwise, but I do feel as though I'm the exception sometimes.  So in a nutshell, I will perpetually have the mindset of a 16 year old girl who never thinks anything bad, weird, or awkward will ever happen to her and I'll be incredibly unprepared when it does.  Life doesn't come with a handbook, just a lot of crappy, self-help books written by arrogant know-it-alls who think they've somehow figured things out before the rest of us.  Today, however, Dr. Phil couldn't even have prepped me for the news I received.  It felt like a blow to the head, and left me more confused about my feelings than ever before.

I found out today that my ex-husband's current girlfriend is pregnant.  I wasn't expecting him to have children with anyone else ever, or at least not so soon.  Let alone, less than a year since we broke up for the second time after a brief summer romance.  Shocked and unexpected are the words I'd use to describe how I felt when I found out.  I know for sure that I'm no longer in love with him, but I really don't know how to feel about this.  I'm not jealous per se, (I am sooooo done birthing babies.  D-O-N-E), but I'm not happy either.  I can't force myself to congratulate him.  My children's emotions obviously come before my own and they seem to be excited, yet also a little unsure of how they're supposed to feel, too.  My 8 year old was adorably trying to figure out what my relationship with her future brother or sister would be.  Step-mom?  Aunt?   I kindly had to break it to her that this situation has nothing to do with me and I......lied.....and said that I was really excited for her to have a new sibling.  

I was wondering how he would react if this was flip flopped.  Nothing about my situation has changed since we've split.  Everything is as it was when he left.  I'm in the same residence, I'm not in a relationship, and I'm definitely not having a baby.  Everything is the same, right down to the furniture arrangement in my house.  I might be victimizing myself a little here, but......why can't I, for once, have some big news that he has to deal with?  Can't I just win the lottery and meet the man of my dreams and get married and buy a villa in France where I'll take the kids during the summertime and make him figure out how to deal with all of that information at once???  It's not fair.  >insert pout and foot stomp<

Well, as much I don't want to be one sometimes, I am a mature adult.  We're not competing for anything and his life has nothing to do with me anymore.  I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of handling, emotionally speaking.  I have moved on, and let him live his own life in the way he sees fit.  I think it's just difficult when someone you know so well and, at one time lived your life for, hits a major milestone like this, and it doesn't involve you.  The more I sit here and let this news simmer in my mental pot of emotion, the more the negative feelings are slowly fading away.  He wanted to have more children, and I was the one who did not.  This is his second chance, and who am I to judge him or turn this into my "problem"?  All that I should be doing is smiling, wishing them the best, sharing in the excitement with my children, and being thankful that I'm not the one with morning sickness. 

Damn, it feels good to not be pregnant.  And also to be a gangsta.  

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!

This is my second Valentine's Day as a single and free woman.  Although I do miss the traditions my former husband and I had for this day, I'm cool being alone.

Kinda.

Would it be lovely if I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of lilies (my favorite flower, future husband who may be reading my blogs, take note.)?  Absolutely!  Would I feel like the luckiest girl in the world if someone took me out for a fabulous dinner?  Of course!  Eating is my favorite!!  Oh, you bought me diamonds?  Why, thank you!  All of these cliched, yet touching, acts would make anyone feel like a million bucks.  I was feeling a little bummed that none of this will happen to me this year, but then I sat down and really took a good, hard look at myself.  

I often engage in a lot of self-deprecating humor.  I make fun of myself all the time, mostly because I'd like to do it before someone else will.  I make a lot of mistakes.  I'm horribly awkward with people who intimidate me.  I'm a chunky monkey.  My hair is always frizzy, regardless of what I do to it.  I'm not even trying to pick myself apart right now, but it's so easy because I'm full of faults and imperfections.  And I just did it again.  

I've decided to knock it the fuck off.  Why am I so hard on myself?  I know I'm not alone here either, so better yet, why are we all so hard on ourselves?   Life is difficult, man.  Especially when you're not living in an "ideal" situation.  You're single, maybe you're unemployed, or you're a single mom and your ex is a douche, or your family sucks or your cat hates you or you have a really big nose.... Responsibility for our actions and our state of physicality should somewhat be taken into account, however, some things are out of our control and we have to just roll with the punches.  We're not perfect.  We're going to make mistakes.  Lots and lots and lots of mistakes.  We're not all going to look like Victoria's Secret models or pro-athletes or hell, even average looking.  And so what?  

I'll admit it, I've hated on a lot of people for the way they look.  It seems as if some are just asking for it.  Especially, if said person is also an asshole.  Perhaps that person is an asshole because he or she really dislikes who they are.  They're only defense mechanism is to be an asshole to everyone else because they're dissatisfied with themselves.  

My point is, and I'm aware of the cheesyness, focusing on loving ourselves is going to make us happier and less bitter about things like, Valentine's Day for example.  It's not easy, I think we have to make the actual choice to be happy and refuse to let things that would normally piss us off, get to us. For me, sarcasm and snarkyness are like a cozy pair of socks.  I'm so comfortable with being sarcastic, I often don't realize how negative I am.  Like ALL THE TIME.  I'm single, so I could very easily gag at all the pictures of flowers and chocolate I've seen on Facebook so far today.  But these pictures are being posted by people that I know and care about, and they're happy.  They're excited.  When we're excited about something, we want to tell the world, and social media has allowed that to happen.  If it truly bothered me, I wouldn't still have a Facebook page and I'd be a crappy friend for not sharing in the joy with my friends.  I'm not in a relationship right now, but I'm not also not dead.  I'm only 30.  I have time.  And I'm cool with waiting for the right person to have a relationship of value with.  Love is awesome.  

I mean, sometimes, love crushes our souls and makes us resent everything and everyone and we fantasize about running those who have hurt us over with a truck every now and then.  I'm saying.....generally, love is awesome.  And if you've been in love, you know this. 

Today, I'm buying myself flowers. I'm going to an enjoy a special dinner with my little girls whom I love more than anything else in the world, yes, even more than vodka.  Then, I'm going to cook myself the tastiest, juiciest steak with a side of........I don't know yet, but it's going to be fucking delicious.  I already bought myself a present (Perfume!  I'm so sweet.)  I might even make a night of it and give myself a sexy, smoky eye (That's makeup talk, for the few straight gentlemen who read my blog).  I'll stare at myself in the mirror for a solid 5 minutes and admire the qualities I was blessed with.  Then I'll probably finish off the night by watching The Walking Dead and slapping myself on the ass for having such a great day.    

I invite you to also spoil yourself a little if no one else will.  Check out your pretty eyes, or your beautiful hair, or your biceps, or your perfectly placed ears, or evaluate how good of a person you are, or how you're a hit at parties, or the fact that you pay your credit card bills on time, or how well you make your bed or how nice your hands are or well you can make macaroni and cheese out of the box, or how organized your closet is, or how good of a parent you are......pick something positive about yourself and LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

One last thing, I love you, and hope you love you too.  Happy Fucking Valentine's Day, Gorgeous! ;)