A Bun in an Unexpected Oven

I'm still a little naive about life.  There are a few situations that I don't imagine I'll ever be in or have to deal with.  Like I don't think I'll ever be arrested.......?  I don't think I'll be stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  I don't think I'll ever have to use the karate moves I learned when I was 10 years old.  Murphy's Law states otherwise, but I do feel as though I'm the exception sometimes.  So in a nutshell, I will perpetually have the mindset of a 16 year old girl who never thinks anything bad, weird, or awkward will ever happen to her and I'll be incredibly unprepared when it does.  Life doesn't come with a handbook, just a lot of crappy, self-help books written by arrogant know-it-alls who think they've somehow figured things out before the rest of us.  Today, however, Dr. Phil couldn't even have prepped me for the news I received.  It felt like a blow to the head, and left me more confused about my feelings than ever before.

I found out today that my ex-husband's current girlfriend is pregnant.  I wasn't expecting him to have children with anyone else ever, or at least not so soon.  Let alone, less than a year since we broke up for the second time after a brief summer romance.  Shocked and unexpected are the words I'd use to describe how I felt when I found out.  I know for sure that I'm no longer in love with him, but I really don't know how to feel about this.  I'm not jealous per se, (I am sooooo done birthing babies.  D-O-N-E), but I'm not happy either.  I can't force myself to congratulate him.  My children's emotions obviously come before my own and they seem to be excited, yet also a little unsure of how they're supposed to feel, too.  My 8 year old was adorably trying to figure out what my relationship with her future brother or sister would be.  Step-mom?  Aunt?   I kindly had to break it to her that this situation has nothing to do with me and I......lied.....and said that I was really excited for her to have a new sibling.  

I was wondering how he would react if this was flip flopped.  Nothing about my situation has changed since we've split.  Everything is as it was when he left.  I'm in the same residence, I'm not in a relationship, and I'm definitely not having a baby.  Everything is the same, right down to the furniture arrangement in my house.  I might be victimizing myself a little here, but......why can't I, for once, have some big news that he has to deal with?  Can't I just win the lottery and meet the man of my dreams and get married and buy a villa in France where I'll take the kids during the summertime and make him figure out how to deal with all of that information at once???  It's not fair.  >insert pout and foot stomp<

Well, as much I don't want to be one sometimes, I am a mature adult.  We're not competing for anything and his life has nothing to do with me anymore.  I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of handling, emotionally speaking.  I have moved on, and let him live his own life in the way he sees fit.  I think it's just difficult when someone you know so well and, at one time lived your life for, hits a major milestone like this, and it doesn't involve you.  The more I sit here and let this news simmer in my mental pot of emotion, the more the negative feelings are slowly fading away.  He wanted to have more children, and I was the one who did not.  This is his second chance, and who am I to judge him or turn this into my "problem"?  All that I should be doing is smiling, wishing them the best, sharing in the excitement with my children, and being thankful that I'm not the one with morning sickness. 

Damn, it feels good to not be pregnant.  And also to be a gangsta.