I was seeing this amazing guy, J, in September but things sort of fizzled. He still, to this day, texts me occasionally to say hi or see how I'm doing or to "hang out" after 10 pm on Fridays. I typically respond with, "I can't" or "I have the kids" or "I'm feeding starving children in Somalia, I can't talk right now". Most of the time, the excuses are valid. The rest of the time, I don't want to be around him because I know that things aren't going anywhere and I don't want to like him so much. I hate it. He's everything. He is everything I want, except for the fact that he's not head over heels for me. I haven't clicked with anyone the way that I have with him. It's heart wrenching that he hasn't made more of an effort with me. I mean, this is a guy that I could potentially llllllooooooo-----aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I can't even say it.
He texted me for three consecutive nights wanting to hang out, and every time it was very late. I couldn't take it anymore. Now normally, I would just ignore him until he went away which is what I've done in the past. It sounds ridiculous and desperate, but every time J texts me, I'm always hoping it's for something more than just a...........cuddle call (which, apparently, is all he claims to want. Chyeah, right). So after the third night, I snapped. Something happens as you get older. I think it's called something like..........not giving a fuck.
I texted him back and said, "Just stop. Stop texting me." He immediately called me. I then proceeded to call him out on all of his bullshit, but first, I confessed to everything that was bothering and how I truly felt about him. I spilled it all. I told him that if he let me, I would make him dinner all the time. I would make him laugh every day. I would watch every Giants game with him wearing nothing but Victor Cruz's jersey. I would encourage him, support him, and be his best friend. A year or two ago, I never would have had the guts to be so forward with my feelings, but fuck it. He needed to know.
He claimed to feel the same way for me and proceeded to list everything he likes about me. So what's the problem? I asked. He finally came clean and told me about the relationship he had several years ago which has left him bruised and broken. This girl completely messed him up. As sad as it is, most of us have had a relationship like this by the time we're 3o. One that tears you apart, crushes your soul, and makes you question if life is worth the pain that comes with loving someone else.
Some of us get over it.
Some of us blog about it.
And some of us punish everyone else who falls for us by not trusting them.
I didn't push the issue. Maybe it's true that he's still messed up and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Maybe it's that I'm not the right girl to pull him out of his five year funk. I told him that I'm at the point of all or nothing, and the in between is not an option for me. My feelings are too strong even for a friendship (and I can barely keep up with the friends that I do have). No more texties. No more calls. Fin. He objected. "I can't imagine not being able to talk to you again," he said. "I can't imagine why you won't even give this a chance," I said. We went around in circles for hours. Me, pathetically in tears, telling him that it hurts too much to keep dragging this out, and him, trying to talk me out of losing contact with him while at the same time, trying to get me to let him come over to wipe away my tears. At 4 am, I was exhausted. I said goodbye, he said that it better not be the last goodbye he hears from me, and that was it.
I didn't hear from him the next day or the day after that. I do the dumbest, girliest, most psychotic things when I'm sad. Like I read alllllllll of our text messages to each other from the beginning. Abraham Lincoln is our favorite president, and we used to text Lincoln quotes to each other in the mornings. I know......how adorkable is that? Then, while at a party with some old friends, along with some new friends, I looked around and realized how well he'd fit in with everybody. I thought about my Beeches, and my other friends, and how well he'd fit in with them, too. It sucks, and there's nothing I can do. While on the phone the other night, in between the tears, he lamented on how we both want to move south one day. "Penny, it can be our 10 year plan! And we can take the kids to the beach on the weekends!" he said. Did I mention that he gave me a nickname? It started out as Jenny, then it went to Jenny Penny, then just Penny. He loves my name, which to me, is odd because it's so incredibly common and not that special, but he loves it. Sigh.
I don't know why he spoke of a future with me. Doesn't he know that you can't say that kind of thing to a girl without her sort of hoping that it's true? Why did he even bother trying to date at all if he wasn't ready? He's a good looking guy, why couldn't he just let me go after the first time we met and chase after someone else? I suppose I'll never really know. And I guess this is one situation where that stupid saying that I hate will actually make sense: "If you love (or just really, really like!!!!) someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were."
This is going to suck. I haven't been this hung up over a guy since I started dating my ex-husband. I guess I'll go get that gym membership that I've been putting off, master the ukulele, and keep volunteering during my downtime. I'll try to forget. I'll delete him from my phone, as hard as it's going to be. And if he tries to get in touch with me, I'll have to ignore him. It's going to take some sort of grand gesture to change my mind, but something's telling me not to hold my breath waiting for it.
In a weird, twisted way, this has made me realize something about myself. After what I've been through, I'm still pretty much ok. I haven't shot down the possibility of love or even marriage again. I'm not totally broken anymore. I picked myself up, and got back into the game. And I am NOT athletic. I've made great strides in the last year and a half, and J can't even commit to a dinner date after five years of being single. Life really is too short to miss out on the possibility of something awesome.
This song doesn't really have to do with much of anything. I just love it.
