Happiness. In the form of a blog.

What the hell happened?

I feel like I took a deep breath, exhaled, and then all of sudden........

I'm happy.

I mean legitimately happy.  I don't think I've been legitimately happy since before I started shaving my legs (and I think I was around 9?  Maybe 10.  I'm Italian.)

Picture this:  A rhinoceros is sitting on top of your back for yeeeeaaaars, and every day you try to crawl out from underneath this rhino's ass.  You're scratching and clawing at the earth, trying to pull yourself away from Mr. Rhinoceros to go see a chiropractor.  Sometimes you think you're almost out, but then he shifts his weight, and you're stuck again.  That was what my 20's felt like.

Right after New Year's Eve, I started to feel better, and like I was getting somewhere.  I FINALLY graduated school on January 5th.  This is huge for me.  I know, I didn't graduate from Harvard or Yale, or even a state school, but I'm not one who completes things.  I can barely finish a book.  I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth.  As much as I love to learn new things, I do get bored rather quickly.  This is something I cannot change. 

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in December really hating my ex.  Really, really, REALLY HATING my ex.  I'm not proud of the things I wished on him.  I'm sure he wished some heinous things on me, too.  I'm sure he would have been pleased if I failed miserably and didn't graduate school or lost all my friends or got chlamydia.  I also spent a lot of time plotting revenge on a "friend" who repeatedly stabbed me in the back by running right to my ex and telling him secrets I had shared with her.  If she thinks I didn't figure out that it was her, she is sadly mistaken, because.....I did.   I forgive, but I sure as hell don't forget. 

Well.....this time, I am going to forget.  I wasted so much time sitting around and wondering how someone could turn on me that way.  I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to this girl to warrant being stabbed in the back.  It was making me crazy.  I almost lost some real friends because I became so obsessed with trying to figure out the backstabber's identity and her cause. Regardless, I'm going to leave all that hate and anger in 2011, where it belongs.  Hatred is a burden.  It uses up a lot of energy that could be put forth to something good and worthwhile.  I used to think that letting things go was a sign of weakness or lack of pride in oneself.  On more than one occasion, I've heard both of my parents say, "Kill 'em with kindness."  I used to say that over and over in my head while waiting on douchebags when I worked in a restaurant, but that phrase can be applied to most situations.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather be kind and happy than spiteful and miserable.  Not to say that I won't stand up for myself when necessary.   Homie don't play that.  

 Letting all of that go has brought me to a better place.  I have this very zen feeling of calmness now.  Is this how yogis feel?  It's all new to me.  I recently reflected on times when I thought I was happy, but I was lying to myself.  I only thought I was happy.  Or maybe I just tricked myself into feeling that way because if I hadn't, the other option was complete and utter depression.  Now, I feel as though depression is not an option.  I won't let it be one.  I don't have time to be depressed, there's just too much to do.  The crazy thing is, I'm not done trying to make myself happier.  I still have a weight loss goal that I WILL get to, even if Jillian Michaels kills me during the process.  More on that later.

How did I really get to be sublimely happy?


Step 1. Get divorced. 


I'm kidding!!  Come on, that was funny!  Ok, let me put my serious face on.


I did something for myself that was realistic and something that I enjoyed.  Hopefully, it will make me some money too (Esthetician school).  I wrote down my goals.  I write everything down.  Visuals help me.  I've been chastised for this, but fuck the haters, it works for me.  

I also got real with myself.  I forgave myself for getting married too quickly.  I forgave myself for consistently getting involved with guys that weren't right for me, especially when I knew better.  I forgave myself for trusting someone that I didn't know very well, and letting them in on personal details of my life.  I stopped saying, "Woe as me!".  Ok well, I didn't actually say that verbatim, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself and being so angry about the hand I'd been dealt.  It's a waste of time. 


Finally, I realized something:  I was damn lucky.  Not to brag, but my mom and step-dad, and my friends, have had my back the entire time.  Holy Shit.  What would I have done if I didn't have these guys around?  What would I have done if my mom and step-dad hadn't financially supported me so I could go to school?  I am a lucky bitch.  There's nothing I can do to repay them.  Nothing.  I will appreciate what the people in my life have done for me every day until I'm dead.  And if I kick the bucket first, my ghostly ass will be flying around them 24/7 saying, "No really, I still appreciate you even though I'm transparent now." 


The best part of my new found happiness is that I can literally feel my dad's energy all around me now.  It's the strangest, and coolest thing.  Being stuck in a bullshit fog for so long prevented me from noticing it.  If you didn't know my dad, I feel sorry for you.  My dad was special.  He could make you feel like a million bucks just in the way he said hello.  He had this presence about him that could light up whatever room he walked into.  Even after his death, that presence still exists.


I faced a lot to get to where I am right now.  Sometimes, I'm afraid the other shoe is going to drop, and something really bad is going to shoot me down off my little cloud of happiness.  It's Murphy's Law.  But after everything I've been through, I've learned that regardless of what happens, there's always something awesome right around the corner.  It might even be a rhinoceros.

The Means to an End

When my parents separated, it was probably the easiest thing they've ever done together.  They came to a mutual agreement, they remained friends, everything was as cool as the other side of the pillow.  Silly naive little me, I thought my husband and I could end things just as easily.  


It started out that way.  We sat down.  We discussed.  We eventually came to the agreement that things weren't working and that there was too much damage to repair through counseling or other means.  We were not the same happy, euphoric people that couldn't wait to marry each other.  It's hard to say whether or not we grew apart.  We may have, but I think what it comes down to is that we didn't know each other well enough before we got married.  

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.  There.  I said it.  Usually, I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, but this is the one thing I never wanted to come to terms with.  Three years ago, I was so sure that I was making the right decision.  We had a spark, a connection, we totally clicked!  It was a "There were birds....all around....but I never heard them singing......til there was you" kind of love.  You could cut the passion between us with a knife, and I'm sure some people around us wanted to.  We were the epitome of a dating success story.  From the bottom of my heart, I meant every word I spoke during our wedding vows.  I took marriage seriously because I hadn't found anyone worthy of that kind of love before.  I should write a country song.....


So here we are, in the living room that's no longer "ours", avoiding eye contact, on the verge of tears, trying to to figure out how we got to the point we were at.  That word..."divorce"....passed my lips, and my eyes welled up.  Even though I knew when we separated that this was the inevitable next step, I couldn't believe it was really happening.  Everything that the people who doubted us had predicted of our marriage was coming to fruition.  We lightly touched upon the details of the children and money, but what I remember him so clearly saying was, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone."  Hmmmm....yes, this is true..... 


Just kidding.  Not really.  Ok, yes, really. 


Moving on.  


So initially, we were on the same track and it was nice while it lasted.  Eventually though, things got nasty, as they usually do during a divorce.  It took me by surprise and it was almost as if we hadn't known each at all.  Again, my parents were an exception to the "bitter divorce" cliche.  I guess I have to chalk it up to the fact that they're just awesome people who were realistic about their marriage and their futures.  I'm not going to get in to the nitty gritty details of the nastiness of our divorce because that phase has passed, I hope, and I'd rather look ahead than behind.  And after the year that I had, I really don't want to look at my behind.  It's quite bigger than it used to be.  

Now, Jennifer, what did we learn from this? 

HA!!!  Where do I begin!?