Happiness. In the form of a blog.

What the hell happened?

I feel like I took a deep breath, exhaled, and then all of sudden........

I'm happy.

I mean legitimately happy.  I don't think I've been legitimately happy since before I started shaving my legs (and I think I was around 9?  Maybe 10.  I'm Italian.)

Picture this:  A rhinoceros is sitting on top of your back for yeeeeaaaars, and every day you try to crawl out from underneath this rhino's ass.  You're scratching and clawing at the earth, trying to pull yourself away from Mr. Rhinoceros to go see a chiropractor.  Sometimes you think you're almost out, but then he shifts his weight, and you're stuck again.  That was what my 20's felt like.

Right after New Year's Eve, I started to feel better, and like I was getting somewhere.  I FINALLY graduated school on January 5th.  This is huge for me.  I know, I didn't graduate from Harvard or Yale, or even a state school, but I'm not one who completes things.  I can barely finish a book.  I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth.  As much as I love to learn new things, I do get bored rather quickly.  This is something I cannot change. 

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in December really hating my ex.  Really, really, REALLY HATING my ex.  I'm not proud of the things I wished on him.  I'm sure he wished some heinous things on me, too.  I'm sure he would have been pleased if I failed miserably and didn't graduate school or lost all my friends or got chlamydia.  I also spent a lot of time plotting revenge on a "friend" who repeatedly stabbed me in the back by running right to my ex and telling him secrets I had shared with her.  If she thinks I didn't figure out that it was her, she is sadly mistaken, because.....I did.   I forgive, but I sure as hell don't forget. 

Well.....this time, I am going to forget.  I wasted so much time sitting around and wondering how someone could turn on me that way.  I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to this girl to warrant being stabbed in the back.  It was making me crazy.  I almost lost some real friends because I became so obsessed with trying to figure out the backstabber's identity and her cause. Regardless, I'm going to leave all that hate and anger in 2011, where it belongs.  Hatred is a burden.  It uses up a lot of energy that could be put forth to something good and worthwhile.  I used to think that letting things go was a sign of weakness or lack of pride in oneself.  On more than one occasion, I've heard both of my parents say, "Kill 'em with kindness."  I used to say that over and over in my head while waiting on douchebags when I worked in a restaurant, but that phrase can be applied to most situations.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather be kind and happy than spiteful and miserable.  Not to say that I won't stand up for myself when necessary.   Homie don't play that.  

 Letting all of that go has brought me to a better place.  I have this very zen feeling of calmness now.  Is this how yogis feel?  It's all new to me.  I recently reflected on times when I thought I was happy, but I was lying to myself.  I only thought I was happy.  Or maybe I just tricked myself into feeling that way because if I hadn't, the other option was complete and utter depression.  Now, I feel as though depression is not an option.  I won't let it be one.  I don't have time to be depressed, there's just too much to do.  The crazy thing is, I'm not done trying to make myself happier.  I still have a weight loss goal that I WILL get to, even if Jillian Michaels kills me during the process.  More on that later.

How did I really get to be sublimely happy?


Step 1. Get divorced. 


I'm kidding!!  Come on, that was funny!  Ok, let me put my serious face on.


I did something for myself that was realistic and something that I enjoyed.  Hopefully, it will make me some money too (Esthetician school).  I wrote down my goals.  I write everything down.  Visuals help me.  I've been chastised for this, but fuck the haters, it works for me.  

I also got real with myself.  I forgave myself for getting married too quickly.  I forgave myself for consistently getting involved with guys that weren't right for me, especially when I knew better.  I forgave myself for trusting someone that I didn't know very well, and letting them in on personal details of my life.  I stopped saying, "Woe as me!".  Ok well, I didn't actually say that verbatim, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself and being so angry about the hand I'd been dealt.  It's a waste of time. 


Finally, I realized something:  I was damn lucky.  Not to brag, but my mom and step-dad, and my friends, have had my back the entire time.  Holy Shit.  What would I have done if I didn't have these guys around?  What would I have done if my mom and step-dad hadn't financially supported me so I could go to school?  I am a lucky bitch.  There's nothing I can do to repay them.  Nothing.  I will appreciate what the people in my life have done for me every day until I'm dead.  And if I kick the bucket first, my ghostly ass will be flying around them 24/7 saying, "No really, I still appreciate you even though I'm transparent now." 


The best part of my new found happiness is that I can literally feel my dad's energy all around me now.  It's the strangest, and coolest thing.  Being stuck in a bullshit fog for so long prevented me from noticing it.  If you didn't know my dad, I feel sorry for you.  My dad was special.  He could make you feel like a million bucks just in the way he said hello.  He had this presence about him that could light up whatever room he walked into.  Even after his death, that presence still exists.


I faced a lot to get to where I am right now.  Sometimes, I'm afraid the other shoe is going to drop, and something really bad is going to shoot me down off my little cloud of happiness.  It's Murphy's Law.  But after everything I've been through, I've learned that regardless of what happens, there's always something awesome right around the corner.  It might even be a rhinoceros.

Lessons.......I've Learned a Few........Maybe More Than a Few

"The hottest love has the coldest end." 

Damn, Socrates, you were ahead of your time.  The following entry consists of the lessons I've learned since 2008, in no particular order.

• My children's feelings will always come first.  They're the ones that have to put me in the nice nursing home someday.  

• I need to surround myself with positivity because I easily absorb negative energy if it's within a 30 foot radius.  The people who bring out the best in me are the ones that I need to keep in my secret inner circle of fabulousness.

• I found out who my true friends were and I will never put them on the back burner again, regardless of how crazy life gets.

• I will never ever EVER lose my sense of self in a relationship again nor will I keep my mouth shut when I strongly disagree with something.  

• I will never let myself get too comfy in a relationship again, whereas I completely stop taking care of myself.  As a romantic at heart, I wish I could say that the right man will love you and still find you attractive if you consistently wear your SU Basketball t-shirt and sweatpants every day, gain 50 lbs, and eat a bag of Doritos in front of the tv, but that is simply not that case.  He may not necessarily run out and cheat on you, but there's a good chance he's not going to race you to the bedroom.  Reality is, not even my seductive charm and quick wit will win someone over if my hair is not done.  It's sad, but that is reality.  You don't want to get to a point where Kesha in a garbage bag looks like a supermodel compared to you.  Not to mention, there will ALWAYS be someone to impress, even if you are in a committed relationship: Employers, clients, cops who try to give you a speeding ticket, the list goes on...

• I am not capable of loving anyone else until I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "You......are the shit."  And mean it.  I have to be  100% happy  97% happy  at least 95% happy with myself and my position in life before I can contribute to a partnership with another person.  This works both ways.  I cannot commit to someone who isn't happy with himself either.

• I can't be with someone who doesn't respect me or my feelings because they simply don't understand why I feel the way I do. 

• I will admit when I'm wrong (I sure will try!) and follow suit with an apology.  And I'm not going to allow myself to always be wrong.  My future boyfriend should also have some sweet apology skills, too.  Being self-righteous is incredibly unattractive.

• I have to trust my gut instinct.  My best friend has scolded me about this on more than one occasion.  She's wicked bossy, thank God.  If it doesn't truly feel right, it probably isn't. I will never be blinded by infatuation again.

• I need my partner to have my back and be there for me when things get rough.  I can handle a lot of tough stuff on my own (because I'm a badass mofo), but having that special person's arms around you, telling you that everything is going to be alright......is priceless.  Sometimes, that's all I need to hear, and sometimes, I just need a fucking hug (even though I am still a badass).  I also need my future someone to be supportive when things are going really well!  You know, like when I'm famous someday!  (Don't roll your eyes at me......it could happen....)

So there you go.  One marriage, many lessons. 

With all that I've been through, I'm here to tell you that marriage itself, is not a huge mistake.  I'm fairly certain that marriage can be wonderful with the right person.  


"But Jen, how do I know if it's the right person?"


Whoa whoa whoa....I'm not a therapist!  


Seriously, from experience, I think that the test of time will give you, or me, the answer to that question.  I believe you have to go through some heavy shit first before you get married.  Loss, joy, moving across the country, moving into your mom's house, job promotions, unemployment, holidays with each others families, you get the idea.  If you can survive a hurricane, a tsunami, and an earthquake together and still feel the way you did when you first met, therein lies the answer.  



Marriage is not an institution.  It's a beautiful idea.  In a world full of shit, it should be the most romantic and meaningful idea left.  It is not something that can be taken for granted nor should it be used as leverage toward an ultimatum.  It is not selfish nor to be made a spectacle of (ahem, Kim Kardashian).  


As the chapter in my life entitled, "My Twisted 20's", comes to a close this year, I can't help but be excited, yet apprehensive, of what's next on life's agenda.  It's kind of funny, but I got a lot of milestones out of the way in my 20's.  I had children.  I got married.  I lost a parent.  I had to count out change to buy my family dinner  (that's not a milestone, but at least I can look back and laugh at it...sort of).  I got divorced.  And I somehow did it all without medication or therapy, although it probably would have helped.   


On New Year's Eve of 2011, I vowed to put everything behind me and start fresh with a different outlook on people, relationships, and life in general.  I look forward to my new career and where it could take me.  I want to be the best mom I can be to my kids because they're so deserving of it.  Now that I've pretty much figured out who I am, I'm ready to accept my faults, and continue to grow from my mistakes......because I am bound to make several more.  I want to give myself an entire year without dating to focus on my new life.  Cheers, motherfuckers!!! 

(In order to really understand my excitement, please enjoy this Whitesnake video and also Tawny Kitaen's love affair with David Coverdale.....and his car.)

Of course, if I've learned anything at all, I should know by now that life doesn't always go as we plan it :).  Stay tuned, kids.


 

The Means to an End

When my parents separated, it was probably the easiest thing they've ever done together.  They came to a mutual agreement, they remained friends, everything was as cool as the other side of the pillow.  Silly naive little me, I thought my husband and I could end things just as easily.  


It started out that way.  We sat down.  We discussed.  We eventually came to the agreement that things weren't working and that there was too much damage to repair through counseling or other means.  We were not the same happy, euphoric people that couldn't wait to marry each other.  It's hard to say whether or not we grew apart.  We may have, but I think what it comes down to is that we didn't know each other well enough before we got married.  

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.  There.  I said it.  Usually, I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, but this is the one thing I never wanted to come to terms with.  Three years ago, I was so sure that I was making the right decision.  We had a spark, a connection, we totally clicked!  It was a "There were birds....all around....but I never heard them singing......til there was you" kind of love.  You could cut the passion between us with a knife, and I'm sure some people around us wanted to.  We were the epitome of a dating success story.  From the bottom of my heart, I meant every word I spoke during our wedding vows.  I took marriage seriously because I hadn't found anyone worthy of that kind of love before.  I should write a country song.....


So here we are, in the living room that's no longer "ours", avoiding eye contact, on the verge of tears, trying to to figure out how we got to the point we were at.  That word..."divorce"....passed my lips, and my eyes welled up.  Even though I knew when we separated that this was the inevitable next step, I couldn't believe it was really happening.  Everything that the people who doubted us had predicted of our marriage was coming to fruition.  We lightly touched upon the details of the children and money, but what I remember him so clearly saying was, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone."  Hmmmm....yes, this is true..... 


Just kidding.  Not really.  Ok, yes, really. 


Moving on.  


So initially, we were on the same track and it was nice while it lasted.  Eventually though, things got nasty, as they usually do during a divorce.  It took me by surprise and it was almost as if we hadn't known each at all.  Again, my parents were an exception to the "bitter divorce" cliche.  I guess I have to chalk it up to the fact that they're just awesome people who were realistic about their marriage and their futures.  I'm not going to get in to the nitty gritty details of the nastiness of our divorce because that phase has passed, I hope, and I'd rather look ahead than behind.  And after the year that I had, I really don't want to look at my behind.  It's quite bigger than it used to be.  

Now, Jennifer, what did we learn from this? 

HA!!!  Where do I begin!?

But, Why?

Because I'm the only one out of my friends who does not take antidepressants, or (cough, cough) "self-medicates".  Although spiritual, I do not conform to one specific religion, and I do not necessarily believe that there is a "God" who will hear me if I beg for answers.  My therapy, per se, has always been some sort of art form.  Music, mostly.  And writing.  I have about 30 unfinished word documents on my computer on various subjects.  I always go back to writing.  I love the freedom of it.  Except when I see a green squiggly line under my sentences.  I never learned about "passive voice" in English and it really pisses me off when I'm corrected by a machine.  Most of the Declaration of Independence is written in passive voice.  Did anyone say to Benjamin Franklin - "Wait a minute, Ben, wait a minute.  You wrote that in passive voice.  How is anyone going to take us seriously?!  You are a failure, Benjamin Franklin!" ?  I think not.


I digress.  Anyways, I'm in trouble. 


 I've had some tough times in my short life, so I'm not a stranger to struggle.  I moved across the country, to Las Vegas mind you, in the middle of my junior year of high school because my dad needed a better job.  I got pregnant at age 22 with no savings account, no college degree, and definitely no baby daddy to help me.  I've seen my father face death multiple times due to chronic heart disease.  I've worked in the mall on Black Friday......five years in a row.


But throughout everything I have held my head up high for, nothing has prepared me for the challenge I'm about to face.


My marriage is ending, slowly but surely.