Dating: It's For The Birds

*I wrote this a few months ago, but never published it.  Why do I do the things that I do?  Enjoy!*

Dating is a nightmare.  Seriously.  Fuck. That. Shit.  I don't know what I was thinking by even trying to date.  So I had a date with this guy whom I did not know personally, but we had several mutual friends (Thank you, Facebook).  I couldn't get a baby-sitter to save my life when we were both free, so he suggested we make some dinner at my house together and watch a movie after.  Sounds cute, right?  

WRONG.

Dinner was ok except that it involved some very spicy jalapenos which made him sweat profusely and gave me some kickin' heartburn.  Then there was the conversation.  All about him, him, him, and how much he knew about, um, everything, and how little I knew.  Ooooooook.  So I try to chalk that up to him being a little nervous and maybe the sweat was distracting him from having a normal conversation.  Who knows.

Then there was the movie.  

It was a John Cusack movie.....he plays an air traffic controller......Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina are in it too....... point is, I'd never seen it.  

He talked through.....

The. Entire. Movie. 

If you are one of these people, please excuse my bluntness when I say, it's fucking annoying.  STOP IT.  

Anyway, at one point I started keeping track:  On an average of about every 8 seconds, he opened his mouth.  And it wasn't like he was saying something intelligent.  He was basically providing his own commentary on the movie itself.  He was his own Special Feature!!

I thought for a sec what my Dad would have done.  My dad would have pressed the stop button on the dvd player, looked him square in the eye and said something like, "That movie was being so rude.  Please continue the play by plays.  Your perspective is so much more interesting."

Somehow I made it through the movie without punching him in the face.  I was totally ready for him to get off my couch, but then he decided to talk at me for another hour or so.  When he was about to leave, he tried to give me the most awkward kiss in awkward kiss history.  It was at that moment when I thought about giving up men for good. 


After he left, I gave myself a pep talk.  Ok, so maaaaaaaybe he was just really nervous and he thought he had to talk himself up a lot because he was intimidated by me?  Aw what the hell?  I'll give him a second chance.  It can only get better from here, right?  


Wrong again!!!


Bad Date:  Take Two:

I whip up a little snacky snack and he brings over another movie, one that I have seen before but not in a long time.  Total repeat of Bad Date One.  Talking throughout the movie, overstays his welcome, but this time, I realize that he's not just nervous or intimidated by me.  He's a damn know-it-all.  Here's how I figured it out:

After the movie, he again decides to talk AT me for about an hour.  We somehow get on the subject of skin, which is kinda my thing.   I know I'm not a dermatologist or even a nurse, but I didn't go to school for 6 months for nothing.  He starts in on sunscreen, which I'm a little anal retentive about wearing.  He tells me that sunscreen is pointless, that it does absolutely nothing, and is basically, a big conspiracy.  

Uh.....exsqueeze me?  Bacon powder?


So I, very calmly, begin to explain what the ingredients in sunscreen do to protect the skin and I'm completely certain that years upon years of research prove otherwise.  


Well, clearly, I know absolutely nothing because he knows everything and fuck this!!


No awkward kiss this time.  I created an imaginary forcefield around myself that repelled arrogant pricks.  Later on, I told him that I reeeeaaaaaalllllllly just wasn't ready for a commitment yet.  Or maybe ever.  

Bad dates are so disappointing.  I went in to them with all these expectations and positivity and 9/10 times, I realized that I am soooooo normal compared to some of the freaks that we share a community with.  

Good luck, Singles.  You'll need it.